Post #800 - a political rant from an email forwarded to me.

(Just FYI, I'm apolitical, but I wouldn't mind carving out a piece of the "good" country described below that excluded Bible bangers.)

DIVORCE AGREEMENT


Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and bio-diesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make it nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon and Volvo (now owed by the Chinese) you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.


Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

This is pretty much how the shark I caught acted...

...until I punched it in the gills dolphin-style.  You can thank Peaches and these guys for the visual.

Uh YEAH, fishing!

I like to go fishing even though I never catch anything.  Part of the reason is that I don't know what the crap I'm doing, and the other problem is that life hates me.  To make matters worse, the Sciencette is probably one of the top three fisherwomen in the U.S.  She could toss some yarn in a puddle and somehow hook a monster bass.

Anyway, we were in Surfside Beach, South Carolina last week, and we did a hardy amount of fishing.  We (me mostly) attempted surf fishing but generally failed miserably at it.  We also did a little fishing from a rented pontoon boat (which was essentially thwarted by a jellyfish attack on the Sciencette) and on a head boat (aka a party boat).  We had better luck on the head boat, with the missus out-fishing me 8-to-1 (kill!), but it was too crowded to enjoy completely, and we largely lack pictures of the fish that my mom, Ludacris, and ourselves caught.

Pretty boring post, eh?

BAM - SHARK!!!

Uh YEAH!!!  I caught the hell out of this shark fishing from a pier.  If you use my leg in the background for scale, you'll notice that this leviathan was no less that 40 feet long, had teeth the size of a yeti, and must have weighed in at several metric tons. 

The only unfortunate part about this incident is that I wasn't allowed to keep and eat the shark.  It's illegal to fish for sharks from the pier, ostensibly because they don't want the swimming tourists to hear that sharks actually do inhabit the water they're splashing around in.  I know, it should be obvious that sharks are in the ocean, but ignorance is bliss...and a lot of the people I saw down there seemed pretty ignorant...

In any event, I'm itching to do some more fishing.  I'll keep the millions and millions of Dr. Yeti's fans posted on my success failures.

Totaalvoetbal!

Iran agrees with Wesley Willis, "Cut the mullet!"

If you checked out CNN.com early enough this morning, you may have seen the most disturbing headline ever written:

No, I don't mean that Fatty McChunkstyle lost weight on vacation (big deal, I lost 1.5 lbs sleeping last night).  I'm talking about the Iranians banning mullets.  What!?!

For those of you that can't or don't want to try to read the caption below the picture, it says, "Iran recently issued strict grooming guidelines for men. Among the hairdos that are now hair don'ts: the '80's Prince-style pompadour, the Steven Seagal-style ponytail and the 'business in the front, party in the back' mullet."  What kind of world do we live in?  I mean seriously, do religious zealots just have too much time on their hands?

Suicide bombers, please just listen to me for a minute.  Let's say you strap some C4 to your hairy Islamic chest and go explode some Jews or gays or gay Jews...or whoever you're told to hate that week.  Sure, Allah is supposed to reward you with 72 virgins, but how do you expect to woo them without a sweet mullet?  I think you'd even look good in a permullet.  You know what they say, if you lose the curls, you lose the girls.

...I guess I can kinda see where you're coming from on this though.  Who wants 72 virgins, right?  You need slutty girls that know how to stroke a...beard...

But I digress.  I think it's fair to say (based on several movies I've seen and that one episode of NCIS) that Iran is the worst place ever.  I mean, check out this quote about the approved haircuts from one of the nut jobs in charge:

"In designing these hair styles, we have not tried to go backward. On the contrary, we have tried to make our designs a mixture of our traditions and Iranian culture, as well as the latest fashions and by doing so confront the cultural assault by the West (on our country)."

Uh, did I miss something?  How is the mullet, a haircut made famous by hockey players, a cultural assault.  Did someone with a Mississippi Mudflap come to Iran and start some trouble in a bar?  Oh wait, that's right, alcohol is illegal too, so there are no bars...

Ok, did some redneck construction worker with an Ape Drape visit your country and whistle at all the pretty girls walking by? No, that can't be right; you keep your women covered up from head to toe...

Did your populace finally see MacGyver and his awesome Kentucky Waterfall?  That must be it.  The people you oppress have learned how to take down your totalitarian regime using nothing but duct tape and paper clips.  I'm sending them a care package right now full of Donnie Iris 8-tracks (you guys don't have cassette players yet, right?).