Thanks Graham.

I got paid today, and much to my surprise, received $14.33 more than usual.  Now, I’m never going to turn down more money, but really, what good is another $14.33/month going to do for me?  With current gas prices, that’ll buy me roughly half a tank.  It won’t even get me a good bottle of booze.

The last raise I got was $27.50/month, and the very first month, I ended up spending almost exactly that amount on lunch at the Olive Garden with Jess.  I’m not sure what the cost of living increase has been around here, but it’s gotta be more than $14, especially with gas/oil prices.  Mala and I were hemorrhaging money all winter just to heat the apartment up to a level that I like to call “cold” (as opposed to frickin’ freezing).

Can one grad student go on strike?  I’d totally do it if it wasn’t so hot outside.  I don’t want to picket in the inferno-like conditions of the concrete jungle known as Oakland.  Plus, I’d get all kinds of sun burnt and probably have to go to the hospital.  Then I’d find out that my medical insurance has been terminated because I haven’t been working.  If you can’t pay your tab in a TV restaurant, they make you do the dishes.  What happens when you can’t pay at a real life hospital?  Would they make me scrub bed pans?

Come to think of it, the lower echelon grunt workers at a hospital have to be making more money than me right now.  This could be a good career choice.  Maybe I’ll stick it out to get my PhD and then find a sweet job as a janitor or mall cop.  Shannon, can you get me a job at Target?

He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman.

Consider yourself warned.

vom

Today, I got a headache – a bad headache – at work.  It came out of nowhere, and it felt like my skull was going to alternately implode and explode.  It made me want to throw up.  In fact, when I stood up to silver stain my gel, I almost did throw up.

That would’ve been a bad thing.  I mean, I guess it’s generally a bad thing to throw up on your work, but I’ve been trying to get the gels working in my lab for weeks.  For some reason, that shit just up and quit on me.  It was retarded; you could pour 2 gels at once, and only one of them would work.

That’s no way to live, especially in a protein lab.  Dr. Snail will back me up here.  He gets pretty pissed when his PCR and sequencing won’t work (kill you Beckman!).

Anyway, I thought it was a running buffer problem, so I made new running buffer.  That didn’t fix it.  Then I thought it might be the separating or stacking buffers.  I made that shit fresh – nope.  After that, I took a gander at our chemical shelves and realized we had SDS from BioRad and from Invitrogen.  I honestly can’t imagine why you couldn’t mix the same soap from two different places, but I thought it could have been that the two SDS’s weren’t playing well together.  What’s a Bochman to do?  Well, I made all new buffers AGAIN and made sure they all had the same kind of SDS in them.  

You know what?  Those gels started to work.  I ran 3 or 4 in a row, and they were fine.  I was happy, but at the same time horrifically angry at Invitrogen’s shoddy product…until the gels stopped working.

Sweet fancy Nancy!  This brings us to today.  I acid washed the piss out of everything (gel boxes, plates, combs, spacers, gaskets, and unfortunately several spots on my shirt), rinsed everything in deionized water until my spine was bleeding, and then degreased the works with sweet, sweet ethanol.

I ran two gels; they looked fine.  I did an actual experiment and then loaded it on a gel, and that mofo looked fine too.  I ran a fourth gel and left it in Sypro orange stain overnight.  If that thing looks beautiful in the morning, then we’ll all know that dropping acid fixes everything.  “Pray for Mojo.”

Why do I think that the acid wash was the way to go?  A.  My boss told me; B.  It was my last resort; and C. I had washed many of my gel plates with Scrubbing Bubbles.  Scrubbing Bubbles is full of quaternary amines.  With the surface cleaner being highly positively charged and the glass being inherently negatively charged, I was neutralizing the evil right into my life.  It’s an effective way of wasting a month.

Knowing is half the battle.

As we enter another warm season here in the north, it’s about time to make sure everyone is properly schooled on sweating. So here you go my damp compatriots, perspiration vocabulary:

The germit – this is when you sweat circles through your shirt around your arm pits, i.e. pit stains. The germit is a cross between a gerbil and a hermit; he’s the little man that lives in your arm pits and makes you sweat. It’s pronounced with a hard “G” sound (like Goiter), not a “J” sound like in germ.

Grivit – the insidious ass crack sweat. The grivit is a southern cousin of the germit.

Uncle Russell – full body germit. Your shirt, your pants, your socks: it’s all soaked through with sweat. This is the drunken surly uncle of the germit.

Permit – sweaty palms. Some people are naturally permitous, but the condition is aggravated by heat and humidity.

Vag-ermit – a sweaty, sweaty vagina. Not to be confused with sexual arousal. Theoretical physics postulates that the degree of vag-ermitude is directly proportional to the size of the camel toe.

Well children, that’s enough school for today. Study hard, and watch out. The germit will appear at any time, and Uncle Russell can show up before you know it.

Hobbies, but not Hobby

I was thinking the other day, everyone has a hobby. We all know that Matt's favorite hobby is whackin' in his tool shed. My favorite hobby is being a dirty (hippie) yeti. I also go to thinking about our parents. If I had to guess, I'd say that the hobby enjoyed by Matt's dad would be drinking beer and tossing cans. This inevitably led me to think about what hobbies my parents have. Jean was pretty easy, her main hobbies are pissing me off and gardening. Now Marty, he's a tough cookie. I'd say being a Freemason would be his main hobby, only that's not really a hobby, but more of a job (and he does it like it's his job). To be honest, other than that, Marty really doesn't do much else. But like a sign from the heavens, it finally dawned on me last Saturday what Marty's hobby is. We had to piles of brush, the ground was wet, so Marty ultimately decided that it was a good time to burn them. Yes folks, that's it. Marty's hobby is brush fires. He loves them. I've seen him keep one pile burning for well over two days! He's a brush fire enthusiast, that's for sure.

So the question is, what is you and/or your parents hobbies?

ABC = Asshole Broadcast Corporation

Steven King recently wrote on his website that “Desperation” is “probably the best TV movie to be made from [his] work.”  I hate to say it, but I’m gonna have to disagree with him.  True, the movie started out strong.  It used a lot of dialogue straight from the book, but they dropped the ball at the end…or really in the middle I guess.

First, let me say that ABC must also believe my assessment that all movies based on King’s work are either amazing or downright shitastic.  Why, you ask?  They aired this albatross against the American Idol finals.  Now, I don’t give a goddamn about American Idol (other than its very existence and popularity drive me into a rage), but I realize that lots of people watch this “reality” crap.  I also realize that even more people will watch the finale.  So, ABC was either banking on the fact that they had an amazing movie that would do well against A.I., or they thought they had an anal fissure of film and wanted to hide it in A.I.’s shadow.

Strike two – the movie was 3 hours long.  I’d say a scant 3 hours too; there seemed to be a lot of commercials.  Why didn’t they just put the extra effort in and make it 4 hours (you know, air two 2 hour pieces) and do the story justice?  With another hour, they could’ve explained more about Tak and used the extra advertising revenue to beef up the special effects.  When Tak inhabits a human body, he enhances and enlarges it.  I wanted to see a HUGE Collie Entragian (admittedly played well by Ron Perlman).  Instead, they just called him a Sasquatch (Jared took offense), and then showed him to be about the same size as all the rest of the guys in the movie.

The extra hour could’ve been used for character development and backstory too.  Tom Skerritt sure could’ve used it.  Anyway, let’s hope ABC doesn’t blow the season finale of “Lost” tonight…

Desperation

Let’s face it, Stephen King stories that are turned into movies either rule or suck ass.  There’s no middle ground.  “The Stand” and “The Shawshank Redemption” were great; “The Langoliers” and “The Tommyknockers” were cinematic prostate exams.

Tonight, “Desperation” is going to be on network TV.  This was a great book.  The plot was awesome.  It featured a lot of violence, vulgarity, and sex.  This is a movie that HBO should be making.  We’ll see what the network douches do to it.

Expect my report tomorrow.  Tak.

Fish for free

This Saturday is a “free fishing” day in Pennsylvania.  That means anyone can go fishing in the state without a license.  I’m too poor and lazy to have purchased a fishing license yet, so this pleases me.  Surprisingly, my sister Goiter is pretty excited about it too.  I forced her to go fishing at the Spillway last year around this time, and despite the bugs, she apparently enjoyed herself.  She’s a freaking child prodigy at casting too.  If she and Kris Brown got married, their offspring would hold every major fishing record on the planet.  I, on the other hand, am a poor excuse for a fisherman.  Aside from a monster carp that made off with all of Shannon’s lures one fine day at Brownie Bluff, I’ve never really caught anything.  I basically don’t know what I’m doing, but I enjoy it.

My problem now is that I don’t know where to take Goiter fishing on Saturday.  She doesn’t want to go back to the Spillway, and quite frankly, the trip would cost a buttload in gas anyway.  Does anyone have any ideas?

Random notes

1. I once wrote about getting free meat and how I had to tetris it all into my freezer. I’ve actively been eating away at this wall of meat, but there’s still a lot left because Mala has yet to be a man and just eat meat with me. She’s bringing home an ice cream cake now; tetrising that mofo into the freezer is going to be fun.

2. I like to uses nouns as verbs. When I’m not tetrising meat, I’m busy sciencing the hell out of stuff. Isn’t it weird how the word “verb” is a noun?

3. The season finale of The OC was last week. Marissa died; I didn’t care because she was basically dying from malnutrition for three seasons anyway. Someone get that girl several hamburgers, stat!

4. My eyebrows are out of control, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed. Peter Gallagher also has some outrageous eyebrows. It would be pretty sweet if there was a tragic accident on The OC next season that resulted in him losing one of his eyebrows. And it would be doubly badass if he replaced it with a prosthetic wooden eyebrow (named Smithe).

5. I really want to go fishing.

6. Jared was talking to a dude about Tea Creek Campground in West Virginia. Anyone ever been there? It sounds pretty nice from what he was told and what we both found on the splinternet.

I Did It

I got a job! I'll be moving to Richmond, Va sometime in June to begin my career with the Virginia Dept of Juvenile Justice.

I don't know if I'll be able to handle not being a bum anymore.

Something is afoot at the Circle K.

I like Keanu Reeves. I like his movies. He gets a lot of shit from people, but from my experience, most people are idiots anyway. I read somewhere once that “Keanu Reeves doesn’t act so much as just exist in front of the camera” or something to that effect. Well, all that existing that he does keeps me coming back for more.

He was a badass in “Constantine” (i.e. the neck punch). He was pretty insightful in “Parenthood” (i.e. the masturbation conversation). He makes a great former quarterback (see: “Point Break” and “The Replacements”). You want action? BAM! Check out the “Matrix” trilogy, “Speed,” “Johnny Mnemonic,” and “Chain Reaction.” In the mood for something a little darker? Don’t forget “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” and “The Devil’s Advocate.” That’s some awesome shit.

But I’m not here to talk about that awesome shit. I’m here to remind you of the awesomest shit ever: Bill & Ted.

Unless you’re mentally uptarded, you know that Keanu Reeves played Ted Theodore Logan in both “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” and “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.” These are the classics that shaped my life. I love those movies, I watched the cartoon, and I even had the novelization of the Bogus Journey. As good as the movie was, I’d have to say that the book is even better, Station!

The only thing that pisses me off is that they never finished the trilogy. I mean seriously, what the hell? The second movie ends with them having kids, learning to play guitar, and causing world peace. It leaves the franchise wide open for more. I always thought that a good third movie would happen a few years later. The kids are a little older, say 6, and Rufus comes to visit in his time machine. While he’s partying with Bill, Ted, and the princesses, the kids get in the time machine and vanish. The rest of the movie is them searching through time for the kids. Man, they could do anything! It would be the best movie ever; history, prehistory, the future, whatever you want! It could be called “Bill & Ted’s Heinous Mistake.”

If any of you have Hollywood contacts, run that shit past them.

I've always wanted to go to Arizona.

Ok, read this story from the Arizona news either here or below:

“SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (AP) — The name of a new restaurant in Scottsdale is stirring up some trouble. The Las Vegas-based Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant is scheduled to open its second location in downtown Scottsdale in June.
Nearly half a dozen people in the upscale city recently expressed their objection to the name, claiming it's a derogatory slang term for a portion of the female anatomy.
In late April, the city received four e-mails, three of which bore no names, objecting to the restaurant's name.
One of those e-mails stated: "The City of Scottsdale has a very fine reputation around the world. Let's keep the standards high. Let's let what plays in Vegas stay in Vegas."
Scottsdale Mayor Mary Manross has said she is offended by the name and went so far as to ask the owner to change it, although he refused.
Restaurant spokeswoman Lisa Perez said the company's name comes from one of its menu items.
Perez said the company has not received any complaints or objections about its name.
The original Pink Taco is inside the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas…”

Haha, how ridiculous is that nonsense? I mean Jesus, “Nearly half a dozen people” objected!?! That’s an interesting way to make LESS THAN 6 PEOPLE sound like a lot. And the tools didn’t even sign their emails. It must be a slow news day in Scottsdale for something this mundane to leak out.

Most forgetful Rain Man ever

I am a retard.  Two Wednesdays ago, I had to get a new cell phone because the star key on my old one was permanently pressed down.  The new LG-VX8100 cost $100, but it came with a $50 mail-in rebate.  I dropped the rebate form into the mail today…and forgot to put a stamp on it.  If the envelope doesn’t come back to me, I’m going to practice yoga until I can kick myself in the crotch.

I’m going to go eat Oreos now.

Dr. Yeti - The International Incident - The End?

Ok, I think I’ve officially pissed off the Nigerians. Get caught up by checking parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 of the story. I’ll sum up a little of what’s happened since part 4, and then hit you with the craziest email ever.

Well, I told “the reverend” and “the attorney” that I sent them $430 through the mail instead of wiring it to them via Western Union or the like. I did this despite the fact that both of them have told me in several emails that
“I still suggest that sending the money through Western Union Money transfer is the best, safest and fastest way to send or receive money from any part of the world.”
I’m pretty sure that phrase (I can’t really consider it an actual sentence) was cobbled together from some sort of Western Union press or their website. Cheers to the Nigerians for being able to copy and paste!

Anyway, the scammer wanted his money immediately, so he felt the need to tell me,
“that the money might not reach me (the attorney) because there is a problem with the post office here in Nigeria. You should first of all contact me before mailing any money to be and by the way in Nigeria here we don't send money through mailing or posting it is prohibited because of some security purposes. It will be tampered or siezed by the customs.”
Wow, Nigeria seems like a corrupt place. Good thing I had enough sense not to brainlessly through my money away. Reverend Otoki tried to intervene and convince me to cooperate with the attorney, and he even gave me his phone number so we could talk; give him a call sometime if you’re lonely: +2348035463941

I didn’t feel like listening to broken English on Friday, so I sent out a few more emails to try to make the scammer believe I had actually sent the money. In a strange maneuver, the reverend claimed to believe me and said that he’d put up some money in the mean time. The attorney, on the other hand, sent me this gem:

This is Attorney Michael C. Esq writing to you for the second time. I will only release the documents when I have my money at hand because I don't believe you when you said you sent me money by mail through my mailing address instead of western union money transfer )(WUMT). In fact let me tell you, you did not send any money. I am an attorney at law and I know when you said the truth and when you tell lies despite that I am not God.

It will be better for all of us if you tell us that you are no longer willing to carry-out this transaction than to be playing hanky-panky on us, we are not kids you can play games on. I understand everything that is going on from the copies of the message you sent to Rev. Alfred Otoki which he sent to me for my perusal.

Why are you afraid of releasing your phone number, and your house address, which means you have a hidden agenda.

Do you think six million US Dollars is a small money one can just loose that like without going through the normal procedure.

You must have to be very careful when you are dealing with lawyers. Do not lie to me by telling me you send me money through mail. Liesssssss.

Go now and resend the money through Western Union Money Transfer if you are willing to do this transaction with us. I can't just fax the documents to you without having my money at hand then I know how serious you are.

Get Back to me.

Barrister Michael C.

In the words of Joey Lawrence, “whoa!” He sounds a little fired up, doesn’t he? I sent one last email on Friday to tell him that I didn’t appreciate being treated this way, and I haven’t heard from any Nigerians since. Looks like I pushed them too far. Oh well, it would’ve been nice to get a picture or anything sent to me, but there will always be another Nigerian scammer to harass.

Until then, at least I’ve wasted this guy’s time. Good, good for us.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

last night i had the priveledge of accomanying the frumpkin to a pirates baseball game in the 'burgh against the florida marlins. a great time was had by both of us.

we got to the ball park around 6 pm for a 7 pm start. it was bobble head doll night and we both acquired one depicting zach duke, the young gun in the pirates rotation (actually, they're all pretty young, but he's the best of them). after this we headed over to manny's bbq pit to get some grub. manny sanguillen was there sitting in a plush office chair signing autographs. shannon and i each got him to sign our tickets for the evening and then proceeded through the line and ordered up our $7 bbq sammiches. a bit pricey, but pretty good nonetheless. next we headed to the "beers of the 'burgh" vending location and ordered up some large i.c. lights...the first of several on the evening. at this point bochman called me to ask the answers to a fayette county quiz he was taking...all in the name of winning 1 pbr. i answered the best i could (sorry you didn't win) and while i was doing so, shannon ordered up some wings from quaker steak. we proceeded to our seats in the area behind home plate. a group of chillin' sung the national anthem. it was all i could do not to laugh at them when they hit the high notes. roseanne did a better job.

the game was about to begin and a young girl of about 10 years sat beside me with an older man, possibly an uncle, who was enjoying himself a few brews as well. shannon wanted very much for me to hook up with this young girl throughout the game, seeing as she kept brushing up against me and talking to me, but the fact that she had pecker wreckers was enough to scare me away. oh, and also the fact that she was 10. the game started off pretty poorly when victor santos went through the marlins lineup and gave up five runs. but we came back in the third. and then eventually took the lead, gave up the lead and then won.

we saw and heard some pretty crazy things. for starters, when i was on the phone with bochman and young lad walked buy sporting a rat tail. shannon and i were floored. we both thought this was an extinct species of mullet. oh no sir. no no no. not in the 'burgh!

the crazy vendor guy you see at all pittsburgh sporting events was there selling peanuts and cracker jacks. you have to be careful, he'll sneak up behind you and just scream, "cracker jacks here!!!!!!!!" it may cause you to lose control of your bodily functions. when this man goes through the aisles, all eyes are on him. he's quite the spectacle. he was selling lemonade at the last game we were at. i'm pretty sure that on his off nights, he's somewhere in the hill district standing on a corner yelling, "crack here!!!!!" he's not only a seller, he's a user.

the black lady that selling beer loved us. on one of shannon's return trips, he didn't even have to ask for ic lights, she just knew. it's a well known fact that black women love frumpkins and yetis.

someone farted in the seats. it wasn't me and shannon claimed that it wasn't him, but we all know the truth, it was shannon.

after a few beers, i got a little talkative and was screaming at players and umps. at one point, jose castillo hit what appeared to be a fair ball that would have scored two runs, but the ump called it foul. this warranted a trip from the skipper. i was yelling and screaming for him to get in the umps face and give him an ear beatin'. a little kid two rows in front of us enjoyed this so much that he turned around to see what was going on. this wasn't the first or last time that he turned around to look at me. he seemed to like my screaming and upon turning around would smile at his mother. this kid was in a group of people that included a man with a healthy plume of hair, pulled back into a pony tail. he was sitting next to, and i assume married to, a woman with bleach blonde hair and leathery skin, no doubt caused by years of visiting the tanning salon. at one point i was in the pisser. there are approximately 30 urinals in the bathroom i was in. apparently pony tail man had never played the urinal game and pulled up right beside me. what did i do? i promptly finished, zipped up and walked away at a medium pace.

one beer vendor walked by and commented to pony tail guys wife, "barbie finally left kenny" and then turned around to shannon and said, "jimmy anderson, i didn't think you were around anymore."

oh, best of all, shannon won two roundtrip tickets via southwest airlines to anywhere in the u.s. over the loudspeakers they called "section 114 row r seat 20". shannon and i were both standing attempting to catch a hotdog that the pirate parrot was shooting from a cannon when this came over. i looked at shannon and said, "that's your seat." "no it's not," he replied. "yes, look at the video screen." "oh yeah it is," he goes. he then went off to claim his prize. while he was gone some guy walked up to me and said, "do you know that you won the plane tickets?" "yes," i replied, "my friend went to pick them up." the kid sitting behind us goes, "fuckers!" i laughed and took a big gulp from my beer. at then end of the game, a woman came up and asked shannon if he knew that he had one the tickets. are all of these people fucking morons or was it the fact that shannon didn't act like a total asshole by jumping up and down and screaming when he won?

this morning we woke up and went to breakfast at the local greasy spoon, the champion service center, in the heart of downtown champion, next to the post office and the church. we both ordered up some sausage gravy and biscuits and a plate of home fries. this was a pretty decent meal with the biscuits being smothered in sausage gravy. uncle peebag's brother was in there having his breakfast and stopped to chat with us for a bit. a little while later, my uncle rich (the one that owns the sawmill) stopped in. he walks in, sees someone he knows and talks loudly (as people in my family apparently do) across the diner, "there's the prick." i couldn't have been more proud.

this pretty much ended our weekend. shannon left sometime before 11 to head back home. it was another great weekend at the ballpark. if i've left anything out, shannon can fill us in via a comment to this blog.

sorry to all you pittsburghers that we didn't stop and visit. it was an in and out trip. after the game it was pretty much all we both could do to get back to my house and head to bed.

i said good day!

Dr. Yeti - The International Incident pt. 4

Ok, here we are with round four.  You can read about the initial contact, me talking to the Reverend Otoki, and the initial request of money by clicking the links.  The short version is that I got an email from a Nigerian scammer trying to “give” me $6,000,000 to donate, and now I’m screwing with the guy’s mind and wasting his time for the good of humanity.

Check out this beauty of an email though:

Dear Matthew  Bochman,
  
I don't know the hospital Mrs. Gordon will be transferred to in London for now until she gets there by God's Grace. I will be going to see her doctor to know the name of the hospital and the address of the hospital in London.
  
The name of the attorney is:  Michael C. Chukwueke Esq  His Address is: No. 5 Douglas Road, Owerri Imo-State, Nigeria.
  
Text Question is:  Who is our personal saviour?
Answer: Jesus Christ.
  
MTCN: ?
  
As soon as you wire the money send me or him the details you used to send the money to his e-mail address or my email address so that I will inform him.
  
His email is: michael_chk@lawyer.com
  
You can wire the money through Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer, which is the fastest and safest way to wire money from any part of the world.
  
Remain Blessed,
  
Rev. Alfred.

Where did that “Text Question” stuff come from and what does “MTCN:?” mean!?!  I suggest if any of you are bored, mail the “attorney” some stuff.  I don’t care what it is, but I’m sure he’s love an old Christmas card or a note saying you want to introduce him to the Brokeback Safari.  As for him stalling on the hospital info, I’ll do a little stalling myself:

Rev,

It's good to hear from you so soon, praise baby Jesus and all the saints! Thanks for looking into Mrs. Gordon's hospital information for me; I'll be waiting to hear about it so that I can visit while I'm in England.

I've been talking to my wife Koko about the money and charity work, but she thinks it's a bad idea.  She's a bit of a pagan and thinks you might be trying to take advantage of me, but I still love her.  I trust you too, but I don't want to make my beautiful wife angry.  She would know if I paid for a Western Union money transfer with my debit card, so I came up with a plan.  I have $430 cash that I can just mail to the attorney, and Koko will never know.  In fact, it's in an envelope right now, I'm just waiting for the mailman to come and pick it up.

I'll email Michael C. Chukwueke to tell him the news as well.  How did he get an email address ending in @lawyer.com?  That's pretty neat.  I'd like to have one @scientist.com.

May our God of wombats and giraffes smile upon you,
Doc Boc

Dr. Yeti - The International Incident pt. 3

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on scamming the Nigerian scammer. Check here and here for parts one and two. I’ll spare you most of the emails, and concentrate on the good stuff.

After asking Reverend Otoki for a picture of himself, he got a little pissy. He told me to either nut up or shut up. Well, I didn’t want to give up on this game so soon, so I emailed Christina Gordon asking her to help me convince Otoki to go through with the plans. I also emailed the good reverend back to apologize and sent him a picture of myself and the Reverend Y. Eti Miller as a peace offering:

That seemed to allay the fears of the scammer, so he replied as Otoki thusly:

"WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE"

Dr. Matthew Bochman,

I was at the hospital today to see Mrs. Christina Gordon today and she told me to try my possible best to make sure that I sent you all the legal necessary documents.

I went to the attorney's office today and he said he will be preparing the documents by Monday. And the attorney specified the price list of every documents he is preparing on your behalf which is stated below:

(1) Letter of Authority....... $180

(2) Affidavit of Claim from the Federal High Court of

Justice........................$250

All the above documents will cost you the sum of $430 which you are supposed to pay before he can release them but I begged him to prepare it so I can send them to you then when you receive it we can know how to arrange for the money.

I want to read what you think about this development.

God Bless you,

Rev. Alfred.

I responded by saying that as soon as he FAXed me everything, I’d sign it and send the money. I also said that I’d be out of town for the weekend on a religious mission. All the while, I’m ending my emails with something in the vein of,

“May the power of Christ compel you,
Doc Boc”

This is what I found when I got back from camping:

Dear Brother Matthew Bochman,

How was your journey? I hope our God granted you journey mercy.

I went to the attorney's office today for the legal papers. He told me that he had finished preparing the Letter of Authority which is supposed to be submitted at the bank and a copy of the sworn affidavit of claim from the Federal High Court of Justice. The Attorney said he would not sign the papers until we pay him for those necessary legal documents. He also said that those documents needed to be signed by the Senior Advocate of Nigeria (SAN) before faxing them to you and submitting some copies at the bank.

He made it known to me that the two documents costs only $430, which is supposed to be paid before he takes further action.

I suggest if you have the $430, I think you should just wire it so that we can process everything about this issue get the genuine documents faxed to you submit some at the bank and face the bank and the transfer protocols.

Please I want this money to be transfered into your bank account so that you can carry on the divine project because I will be going to a conference soon.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Ok, time to declare shenaningans! Let’s see what he thinks of this:

Reverend,

I've consulted with my attorney, David H. Snail, Esq. and he says that he could draw up the legal documents for less than half the $430 price that Mrs. Gordon's attorney quoted you. Let me know what you think is best, and then we'll proceed.

God's love,

Doc Boc

As expected, he’s a little pissed, but he finally calls me Doc Boc:

Dear Doc. Boc,

I don't know why you and your attorney think that the legal documents could cost less than half the $430 price that Mrs. Gordon's attorney said. I have emailed you what Mrs. Gordon's attorney told me and that was exactly what I told you.

I expected you to suggest the possible means of paying the attorney so that he can release those documents for us to proceed. The attorney can not do anything without the consent of the Senior Advocate of Nigeria (SAN) who should be consulted and the affidavit of claim must be sworn before him said the attorney.

Doc $430 is not a big money compared to $500,000.00 you are going to be paid or even the $6,000,000.00 the bank will be transfered to you in no time.

You know Pastors have so many activities to attend to in the church and I would not like this project to be a hinderance to me. I need to be a good shepherd so that my sheep will not scatter or run away.

I must tell you that you are delaying this divine project and we can not proceed here without your maximum cooperation.

I beg you in the name of Jesus Christ to cooperate with us, volunteer yourself, be honest, truthful and trustworthy so that we can achieve something and conclude everything about this within one week.

Mrs Gordon is about to be transfered to London because her conditon is getting critical. She needs your prayers.

Please get back to me let me know what you think.

May God Almighty continue to bless you.

Yours in Christ,

Rev. Alfred

And the dance continues, take this Otoki!

Reverend,

If you don't want to use my attorney, that's fine. I was just being frugal. You're right, $430 is nothing compared to $500,000. If you can give me the attorney's name, address, etc. I can wire him the necessary funds. Also, is that $430 in Nigerian or American currency?

I'm sorry to hear that Mrs. Gordon's condition has worsened. Coincidentally though, my work will be taking me to London and surrounding areas of England next week. Could you please tell me which hospital she'll be receiving care in so that I could visit?

May the light of God's eyes guide you,

Doc Boc

Stay tuned kids. I wonder how he’s going to backpedal on the London thing…

I'm a big kid now.

I did so many manly things on my camping trip to Raystown that I’m growing my first chest hair…

…or maybe Jared just hit me with one of his Yeti quills while we were spooning…

…or maybe he injected me with some Yetiosterone.  I figure I’d have more than one hair sprouting though…

In any event, I’m totally swarthy now.

Quick, before it's gone!

Matty Bochman and i made an epoch journey to raystown lake this past weekend to camp and share a few brews around the fire with Dane "By God" Fischer, Kris "Lay Into Her" Brown, and Eric (dane's friend...sorry i have no nickname for him nor do i know his last name).

as soon as we got to huntingdon, matt and i made the required stop at strickler's to pick up some barley pop. matt got a 30 pk of busch, while i opted for the 30 pk of pbr. we then went to giant and bought some essential groceries and headed out to site 72 in the meadow camp. now since some of you got tired from reading my last post, i'm gonna make a list this time for your sake and mine.

• we had two tents for five guys...it was a little cramped friday night. matt bochman tried to unsuccessfully spoon me, but after several attempts i conceded. dane woke the next morning to say that at one point he woke up to see eric's ass crack staring him squaw in the face.
• we made some flat steaks friday night. pretty fucking tasty and went well with the beer. matt and i regaled the youngin's with stories from our delinquent past and they did the same for us. what's said around the campfire stays around the campfire.
• woke up bright and early saturday morning and started drinking at 6:30 AM
• we made a big boys brunch consisting of potatoes, onions, mushroom, zucchini, delmonico steak and round steak...all coated in garlic
• the guys left to go study for finals (pussies)...well except for KB, he was goin' to get him some...matt and i continued to drink and moved our drinking to the spillway where we set up shop on the bank in two folding chairs.
• watched a fat kid of about 10 years with the biggest bitch tits ever fishing
• we were amazed when a large man came to the pavilion with even bigger bitch tits than the fat kid
• laughed at some guy wearing red, yellow, green and purple shorts who had his line stuck on some rocks...we commented on him being retarded...it later turned out that we were close, he was fishing with a retard who may or may not have been a midget
• in one of my trips to the pisser, i noticed a bumper sticker on a car that read "lionshead the best head in town" this made matt and i proud considering that we drank our fair share senior year
• i called and got in touch with christy reedy. for some reason she totally ignored my phone call the night before. she was making alphabet chicken soup. i told her she should have been making cream of chicken and shit.
• we left the spillway and headed into town to boxers
• talked a little while to the beautiful kelly cummings who was bartending
• ordered up a pitcher of mai bock (sp?) and both proceeded to get shitty
• ordered up a pitcher of dead guy ale and proceeded to get even shittier...it was at this time that the girl with far away eyes came into work...matt said she got fatter, which is true compared to our senior year, but i think she lost weight compared to the last time i saw her
• a group came in and kicked us off of the big boys table...basically we had to move for some retards...the one kid had a neck beard (it later turned out that that is his nickname, so saith dane fischer.....either juniata's standards have gone down and they now accept the mentally challenged or this kid is fucking rain man) and the retarded girl beside him with the huge underbite...oh and another girl had some really hairy arms...at one point bochman and i hear neck beard say that he has a key chain collection...we both almost lost it...matt goes to the bathroom and i overhear neck beard say that he wants to study abroad on the moon...what's a yeti to do? i laughed.
• went to giant and bought more food
• drunk drove out to raystown...it was fun
• proceeded to collect wood from the forest to burn...matt fell down the bank, i laughed...i later fell down the bank and rolled, matt laughed. saw a pink ladies slipper and took a picture.
• dane arrived and not too long after we had a meal of chicken, potatoes, onions and portabella mushrooms as well as lardy chips...delicious delicious lardy chips
• at one point dane smacked me in the nuts...ask david medlin, revenge is a dish best served cold.....WHY DO I ALWAYS GET SMACKED IN THE NUTS???????
• matt wouldn't concede the small tent so i took the big one...it got cold in the morning and we both agreed that we should have slept together for warmth...spooning mandatory
• we began drinking beer again and made a breakfast consisting of bratwust boiled in beer then grilled, maple flavored sausage and potatoes and onions
• we cleaned up the site and went to take a shower...i left matt the handicapped shower after noticing that it had the "wand" that was all of three feet off of the floor...it ends up i also chose wisely for another reason...my shower had all the hot water and matt had to take a cold shower...of course the shower beers made everything better.
• we went to danes to get some cds and say our goodbyes...dane made me some awesome cds, specifically n.r.p.s. (awesome) and mother mccree's (it makes me drool it's so good)

all in all another great weekend. cheers to us.

my favorite quote of the weekend? i believe it would have been when dane fischer said, "It's like somebody rubbed them 50 times with a wire brush."

Dr. Yeti - The International Incident pt. 2

Ok, if you need to get caught up, see the original post. In a nutshell, I’m trying to scam a Nigerian scammer. I’ve expressed my interest in helping to make a six million dollar donation, now let the games begin…

“Christina” emails me back but from a different address now, hmmm.

Date: Wednesday, May 03, 2006
From: christina.gordon@yahoo.com
To: Dr. Yeti
Subject: Thank You Dr. Matthew L. Bochman

Dear Dr Matthew L. Bochman,

I thank you very much for replying my email. I thank you with the name of Jesus Christ.This $6000,000 (Six Million Dollars) will be transfered into your bank account so that you can withdraw it and use it to help the Children of God in your country and around you. After that you will have the sum of $500,000 (Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) for hat you have done for me.

The next step to follow now is you have to write or contact my pastor who will help you in making sure that this money gets into your bank account successfully since you are not in Nigeria. My pstor is very nice mn of God. Be good to him.He will assist you in sending you all the necessary legal documents from my attorney to you and also tothe bank.My pastors name is:

Rev. Alfred Otoki
Assemblies of God Church
E-mail: rev_alfred_otoki@yahoo.com
Phone: +2348035463941.

I have directed him to help you and you will also write to him by introducing yourself to him, and yourmain aim of writing also let him know that I sent you.Let me know whatever he says.

Thanks
Mrs Christina Gordon

Wow, she respects me enough to call me Dr. so I guess I should email the good Reverend! Let’s see if I can have a little agnostic fun:

Date: Wednesday, May 03, 2006
From: Dr. Yeti
To: Reverend Alfred Otoki
Subject: On behalf of Mrs. Christina Gordon

Reverend Otoki,

My name is Dr. Bochman, a scientist from the U.S. My main aim of writing is to inform you that by the Grace of God I've corresponded with Mrs. Christina Gordon recently. She's touched my heart with the sad death of her husband and her current illness. She told me that you could assist me in distributing a large donation from her late husband to various charities in America in the name of Jesus Christ. If you could please send me the necessary legal and financial documents from Mrs. Gordon's attorney and bank, I will start sharing this wonderful gift with the needy as soon as possible.I look forward to hearing from you soon Reverend. If you see Mrs. Gordon, please give her my best and let her know I'm praying for her health to return.

May you be blessed by God and the baby Jesus,
Matthew L. Bochman, PhD.

I might as well send Mrs. Gordon one back too.

Date: Wednesday, May 03, 2006
From: Dr. Yeti
To: christina.gordon@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Thank You Dr. Matthew L. Bochman

Mrs. Gordon,

I was glad to hear from you so soon. I wasn't quite sure it was you since you've picked a different email account, but I have several myself (for work and home), so I understand. I just finished emailing your pastor and hope to hear from him soon.You never mentioned what your illness was, but I hope you're feeling better. I've prayed to God that you recover. And there's no need to be so formal; you don't need to call me Dr. Matthew L. Bochman. Most of my friends just call me Doc Boc. I don't know much about Nigeria. How's the weather there at this time of year? Do you live near any wildlife such as wombats or giraffes?Please write as soon as you can and tell Reverend Otoki how excited I am to help do the work of God and Jesus in America.

Thanks,
Doc Boc

Enter the Reverend:

Date: Thursday, May 04, 2006
From: Rev. Alfred
To: Dr. Yeti
Subject: A message from Rev. Alfred Otoki

My Dear Brother Matthew Bochman,

Thanks for your email. I am very glad to hear from you. I am Rev Alfred Otoki. I am a Pastor in Assemblies of God Church Owerri, Imo State Nigeria.

Late Mr. Evans Gordon until his death was a former governor of Imo State, in Nigeria and he was a devoted member of the Church Council. Mrs. Christina Gordon his wife bequeathed this money to you purposely for you to use it in the spreading of word of God and upliftement of Christianity as well as for the help of the poor and needy.

According to her this money is to support some Christian activities and to help the poor and the needy. This is the purpose why this money is meant. And I strongly believe that this money is going to help you a lot in carrying out the work of God in America. Although, this money will be transfered to you but that you should accept on the condition that you will spend it on the spreading of work of God because Mr. Evans Gordon made it like this in order to see that he contributes in the spreading of Christianity through men of God like you.To be rest assured I hope you are going to use this money according to the wish of late Mr. Evans Gordon and his wife.

I told him to carry-out this divine project because he embezzled a lot of money when he was a governor and he repented, so he sent for me to come and pray for him when he was at the point of death suffering from tuberculosis which evantually killed him. I did not want to touch this money because people or his wife will not say or think that I want to put the money in my pocket so I told her to choose anybody she can trust to be exonerated from any blame. Thus she selected you.

My dear brother in Christ do not be greedy or refused to utilize this money as instructed herein.God Almighty will bless you for working in His farmland, because He works for those that work for Him. And With God all things are possible. Meanwhile, regarding to release of the necessary legal documents, I am to contact the personal attorney to Mr. & Mrs. Evans Gordon in charge of the execution for further processing and releasing of the necessary papers. I will be going to his Law Chambers first thing in the morning tomorrow after having my morning devotion and also a meting with the church council members.

Mrs. Christina Gordon is now in the hospital receiving prayers and medical treatment because she is right now suffering from High Blood Pressure and Breast Cancer. Do acknowledge receipt of this mail. I hope to hear from you soon .

God bless you.
Rev Alfred Otoki

He sounds like a nice guy, and the italics are pretty fancy, don’t you think? Not longer after though, he hits me with another quick email:

Date: Thursday, May 04, 2006
From: Rev. Alfred
To: Dr. Yeti
Subject: Very important

Dear brother,

You have to provide the below following details:

(1) Your Phone number;
(2) Your Age;
(3) Your Fax Number;
(4) Your Home address/Office address;

I will have to supply them to the attorney in themorning they are very important.

Rev. Alfred Otoki.

Damn, he dropped the italics and is getting a little pushy. Time to push back. I might as well get Jared involved now and supply a free FAX number I got from the internet that will dump things into a gmail account. I hope he sends a picture.

Date: Thursday, May 04, 2006
From: Dr. Yeti
To: Reverend Otoki
Subject: Re: A message from Rev. Alfred Otoki

Reverend Otoki,

It makes my soul weep to hear that Mrs. Gordon has both High Blood Pressure and Breast Cancer. And to think that her husband died of tuberculosis! My scientific research tangentially involves cancer, and I have colleagues that are dealing with TB and related pathogens right now. If it is the Will of God, hopefully we will one day put an end to these horrible diseases. Perhaps some of Mr. Gordon's most charitable bequest will aid certain needy organizations in meeting these goals.

Nevertheless, it was very good to hear from you so soon. I too am a lamb of God; I've gone to His Church on the Mountain every Sunday for over 25 years to hear Reverend Y. Eti Miller preach. In fact, I contacted him just last night to tell him the great news of my email correspondence with Mrs. Gordon. He cautioned me to be careful though, especially with money that was ill-gotten.If Mr. Gordon embezzled money from the Imo government, how can all this be legal?

I don't want to be rude Reverend, but I need to protect myself. How do I really know you are who you say you are? I wouldn't feel comfortable giving you my phone number and FAX number for you to give Mrs. Gordon's attorney without some assurance that you are genuine.

What if you sent me a picture of yourself? If it was a picture of you holding a sign that said something that only you and I could know, then I would gladly cooperate. My research is about the MCM protein complex. Could you possibly send me a good quality picture of yourself holding a piece of paper that clearly had "MCM Complex" written on it (and perhaps a small cross or fish signifying Jesus)? If you are a true Man of God and thus a man of your word, then you will do this, and we can proceed.

I'm sorry to put you through such trials, but I really must insist for my own safety as my Rev. Miller recommended. I do believe that you want to help though, so I can tell you that I'm 37 years old (38 in September!) and my FAX number is (650) 469-9346. Please send the picture attached to an email or FAX it to me soon. I look forward to spreading the excellent charity of the Gordons all across America.

God bless,
Dr. Bochman

Dr. Yeti - The International Incident

I’m an asshole. Jared, Dave Hayes, Shannon Brown, Darren Moser – they’re known for their assholery too. Normally, we keep it local, but screw that. I introduce you to The Nigerian Campaign:

Did you ever get one of those spam emails from someone claiming to be from Nigeria? You know, they have a large sum of money that they need your help collecting, or something like that. Unless you’re the retarded guy that was singing the national anthem at the baseball game, you don’t fall for such an obvious scam. I mean, the spelling, grammar, and sentence structure in these emails is atrocious. And even if it wasn’t, the circumstances involving you getting any kind of money should tip you off.

I got one of those emails earlier this week, and I decided to scam the scammer (which apparently lots of people have done before). I’ve copied the original email below and my reply. I’ll keep you posted on how it progresses, but my goal is to get someone to send me a picture. Enjoy!

Date: Monday, May 01, 2006
From: christinagordon@zipmail.com.br
To: Dr. Yeti
Subject: Can You Handle this $6000,000.00

Dearest one,I got your contact address on my desperate search for a reliable person/company Who can carry out the below divine project that will be proposed to him/her.

By introduction, I am Mrs. Christina Gordon, I am the wife of a former governor in one of the states in Nigeria. But my husband is dead since 2004. When he was at the point of death he told me to donate the money he made during his regime as a governor to the needy like Charity Homes or organisations, Churches, Street Beggers, Less priviledges, Handicaped,Disabled, Widows and Widowers. Our Pastor told him to do this when he wanted to repent. We have no child and I am very ill, weak so can you donate the sum of $6,000,000.00 (Six million US dollars) that will be under your control in some Charity Homes or organisations, Churches, Beggers, Less priviledges, Handicaped,Disabled, Widows and Widowers in your country?

This amount will be transferred to your personal account as soon as We receive your reply indicating your interest and ability to handle this. I will let you know the full details of this immediately you indicate your interest and also the necessary documents regarding the fund will be forwarded to you immediately.
This is authentic and risk free. You will be given the some of $500,000.00 for job well-done and apprecition.
Thank you.
Regards,
Mrs Christina Gordon.

Wow, this sounds like a great opportunity! I’d love to help give away $6000,000.00 (six thousand thousand or is that six thousand hundred?).

Date: Monday, May 01, 2006
From: Dr. Yeti
To: christinagordon@zipmail.com.br Subject: Re: Can You Handle this $6000,000.00
Dear Mrs. Gordon,I'm sorry to hear of your husband's death and your failing health. What is making you so ill?I would be honored to help spread your most charitable donations to the needy in America. I have two Handicaped sisters, so I would give a large portion to the organizations that have helped them. Also, I'm a scientist, and under the Bush administration, I'm looked down upon. Making such a wonderful donation would shine a favorable light on all scientists.Is this really authentic and risk free? If so, please forward me the information as soon as possible. I wish you the best and pray for you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Bochman

HAL-9000

A few months ago, I helped you waste some of your life by introducing you to the interesting and basically useless Sloganizer.  I subsequently thought that the yeti lobster might turn into the next big thing on the internet, but I was horribly wrong.  It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last.

I’m not sure if this will be as cool as the Sloganizer (or even Snoop’s Shizzolator), but I think it’s pretty fun.  My sister emailed me a link to a text-to-speech site.  Check it out.  You can type whatever you want, and the computer will speak it in one of several languages that you can choose from (you can choose different voices too).  It’s a decent way to waste some time.  I like to make it say “Kill you Jared!”

Enjoy, my little cherubs.

my take

Well, as some of you have read from bochman's posts, we (myself shannon and matt) had an eventful weekend. when shannon showed up at my door around 11 friday morning, i was raring to go. the bewildered look on shannon's face and his excitement were enough to let me know that he was already having one hell of a time too. apparently on the way to my place he used a new gps system to navigate him through the mountains. while it got him here in one piece, it led him along some roads that i've never been on and some that i haven't been on in about 10 years or so. marty says that the gps brought him up over "spook andy ridge". in any event, i like the name.

so after the usual hellos and shannon telling me his thrilling story, we packed up my bags and headed for pechins in dunbar, pa. i should write a separate post about this place some time, but in short, it's a hillbilly heaven of sorts for grocery shopping. we unfortunately hit it on check day and wound up standing in line at noon for about 20 minutes, i would guess. we got all the ingredients we need to make yeti gumbo as well as some of the delicious pepperoni rolls that they make in the bakery. while checking out, we managed to see a few interesting characters. there was the guy wearing the blue penn state tee, camo hat (permed hair flowing magnificently from it) and cut-off jean shorts. he was in line buying lottery tickets and cigarettes. the lady baggging our groceries had her tongue sticking out the whole time. i think she may have been mildly retarded. there was a one-legged man in a wheelchair. the missing leg seemed to have something where he could put an attachment...maybe a gun like in that leslie neilson movie "wrongfully accused". i also saw a guy that looked like keith whitely sporting a neck brace. too bad lori morgan killed keith whitely, he was a damn fine country singer.

from there we headed down to the 'burgh. we got there around 1:30 i'd say and pissed around in matt's lab for a bit then headed to his apt. from there we headed up to voscamp to party with the old boys and make them some gumbo. i'd have to say that matt's dad is a genious. you know those fridge packs of pepsi or other pops you can get? well matt's dad kept his old ones and used them to store beer. two thumbs up from the yeti on that one. so we spent some time there bullshitting to "the old man" (matt's dad) and danny. lenny (the hawaiian) was there for a bit, left and then came back. matt should post some tales about him some day. you really have to meet these people. danny's brother phil showed up. phil recently had an alcohol seizure and has yet to drink a beer. as soon as he pulled up, the other guys were on him like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat trying to get him to drink a beer. they were unsuccessful. all and all i had a great time, although i lost a $20 bet with danny about a song from the movie "o brother where are thou?".

we left there and went back to matt's place. the lovely mala was there ( and she really is the hottest girl on earth) so we chatted with her a bit and drank a few brews. mala showed me a trailer for a movie about leornard cohen that should be coming out soon (i think. i know mala, you're going to kill me for not remembering) after that it was off to bed because we had a busy day of drinking beers and kicking ass ahead of us.

shannon and i both snore like to grizzled grizzly bears awaiting the spring thaw. the only thing that could have made it seem even more like a bear den would have been a snoring krause and a snoring tim enedy (sans the machine that made him sound like darth vader). if that were the case, mala and matt probably would not have slept at all.

we woke and ate some pantera bread bagels and then came back to matts and cleaned up a bit. after this it was off to debbys for a bbq. for the first time, i was able to meet the lovely miss christy reedy. jeff brooks would say "bow-wang" and i'd have to agree. haha. julia was there too. it had been a while since i last saw her, still stunningly beautiful. and i met little debby for the first time. she was the wonderful host along with her husband roy. debby made THE best burgers in the world. all of the food at the bbq pretty much rocked my socks off.

we left the bbq after 2 hours i believe and headed out to pnc park, THE BEST ball park in all the land, although it isn't home to the greatest of teams. we tailgated making some pretty redonkulous brats that the frump brought along all the while drinking some old mil, classy. the game was pretty awesome, a little stressful at times, but i'm definitely glad we came out with a win. as matt said, the philthy fans were pretty rude, but i guess that's pretty much par for the course. that chick that was bitchy toward the frump almost got a size 13 sneaker to the bag of the head. the fleece blankets they gave out at the game are pretty tits, although i think i'll have to opt to keep one nut warm at a time.

we got back to matt's place through some deft maneuvering on his part (he did run a read light). mala was knitting away and we turned on "boiler room". i'm not sure what the movie was about, i couldn't really hear it and about all i remember about this point is that mala made a crack about me being def. you know, we're people too!!! haha. just kidding mala, i'm not really a person.

the next morning we woke up and went to breakfast buffet at eat'n park. it was pretty much orgasmic. our waiter was a bit silly and the people in the booth next to us pissed me off for talking. not that i mind people talking, but i sure as shit don't want to hear every word of your conversation.

after that shannon and i hit the road and made our way back to the mountain. i had the rest of the day ahead of me with a birthday party for my nephew who turned two last friday. let me tell you something, 10 screaming little kids is enough to make a yeti punch himself in the nuts 15 times to prevent any baby-batter from being useful and or successful as it may be.

overall it was a great weekend. always good to get back with the guys and put back a few. oh, i almost forgot one of my favorite parts was reliving the tales of "christopher walken", they had long since been lost in the resin of my mind.

sorry i have no cool links. my punctuation/grammar/spelling probaby sucks a krause's taint, but eh, it's not the first time i didn't give a fuck and it won't be the last.

goodnight laos and you hmongs.

Philadelphia sports fans

I had a good time at the Pirates game that Jared, Shannon, and I went to on Saturday, but it could have been better.  Don’t get me wrong, we had a good time tailgating and watching the Buccos beat the Philly’s, but the people there pissed me off.  Specifically, the Philly fans pissed me off.

There were more of them than I expected.  Steve told me that a lot of people from the wrong side of the state actually go to school here at Pitt (I’d try to get away from that cesspool of a city too), but these weren’t all college kids.  I guess a lot of people decided to make the drive.  And hey, that’s cool.  Go support your team…but don’t be a dick about it.

Shannon scored us some good seats right on the first base line (“prime foul ball territory,” as the Frump would say), but we were surrounded by Philly fans.  The ones in front of us were pretty respectful.  They cheered when the Filthies did something good, and they shut the hell up when the Pirates were spanking them.  I find that to be acceptable.  The guys behind us were a different story.

These douches were running their mouths the whole time.  I might be able to overlook that if they’d been talking about the game, but they often loudly wandered in conversations about their baseball card collections and made random “Major League” and “Caddyshack” references.  I think I would’ve been able to overlook that too if their voices hadn’t been so annoying.  Imagine Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and their buddies from “Good Will Hunting” with a little less New England and a little more New Jersey in their accents.  Now imagine them constantly saying retarded stuff very loudly and whistling in your ear.  Then envision their beer being spilled on my stuff and the burning dagger of rage creeping into my soul.  See where I’m going with this?

They were loud, rude, retarded, and had poor beer control.  Those are the qualities of a bad visiting fan.  Now, I can’t say that all Philly fans are horrible, the people in front of us were ok, but I do know there were others in our section that were just as bad.  One guy wearing a dumbass red hat looked like the poster child for popped-collar brand douche and acted like his team wasn’t losing AGAIN to the Pirates.  (For those of you that may not know, the Pirates pretty much suck).

On the way out after the game, some Philly fags…excuse me, fans…who apparently were too stupid to realize that they’d just lost AGAIN (to a team that’s like 6 and 18) were shouting “Philly!” as they walked down the stairs.  Shannon took mild offense to this and replied to one verbal volley by saying, “so filthy!”  At this point, a girl (who was mildly attractive until she opened her mouth) had the audacity to turn around and tell Shannon “not to talk shit on her fucking city.”

Nice language, bitch.  How about telling your mongoloid boyfriend in the Bobby Abreu jersey that baseball isn’t scored like golf.

I didn’t hear any Pittsburgh fans talking shit or making a scene despite having earned the right by victory.  Kill Philly!

We're #1!

I’m not sure if I like it or not, but as of 5:00 PM on May 1, 2006 if you search for “born without genitals” on MSN, this blog is the number one hit on the entire internet.

Frump and me and the Yeti make three.

Three years ago, not long before the Yeti and I graduated from a Juniata College that was already starting to go down a slippery slope into what I can only crudely describe as “P.C. liberal faggotry” (That’s not a knock on homosexuals; I’m using the fag derivation in the fashion that my younger sister’s slice of the generation would, i.e. as a generally negative term. If anyone has a better description, let me know.), Jared, Shannon, and I decided to make a grand trip to Pittsburgh to watch a Pirates game.

Since my dad lives a little northeast of the ‘burgh, I figured we could all crash at his place and sponge up what amenities he offered. After a hard night of Friday drinking on campus, we made Jared drive us to Plum where we vegetated on the couch for a little and then headed to Vincent’s for pizza. Vincent’s has just about the best pizza in the world. It’s big, it’s appropriately greasy, and the toppings are legion (My dad likes to say that it looks like someone put the toppings on with a coal shovel, but then again, he generally likes coal shovel references.). If I remember correctly, we got a large Works But (everything but anchovies) and two pitchers of Yuengling. It was as hardy a feast as you could ever want.

After we got back to Casa de Old Man Bochman and my lactose intolerancy sent me to the bathroom, my dad decided to call over his friends to do some serious drinking and can tossing. Danny (Toss Boss) drove up in the mighty Dodge, and Lenny (Hawaiian Punch) came over from across the street. I think Phil (Lawn Buoy) ended up there after a while too. In any event, we drank 101 beers over the course of the night. Now, if you’re thinking that’s a lot of beer for 6 or 7 people, you sir, are correct. The thing is, we wanted to put on a display of drinking prowess for the old boys, and they didn’t want a bunch of youngin’s coming in and showing them up on their own turf. It’s been confirmed that Danny puked and all the rest of them called off of work the next day.

The future’s now old men.

Anyway, we survived the night, ate cinnamon buns the next day, drank a few Colt 45’s in the parking lot of PNC Park, and watched the Buccos lose. I also got a nice sunburn. Good, good for me.
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Well, this past weekend, we revived what would be called the Pirates Weekend Tradition had it occurred more than once before to merit the “Tradition” status. Shan Diesel picked up the Yeti on his way west from Greencastle, PA. Instead of using Jared’s directions, he relied on a fancy new GPS unit in his car and ended up driving on a bunch of old logging trails and other treacherous mountain roads. Note to self: GPS will not protect you from Deliverance-style sodomy with its directions.

The German engineering of the Jetta made it through, and the fat and sassy gentlemen it carried made it to Oakland without further drama. They picked me up at the lab, and then we headed to my dad’s place for another night of drinking. We didn’t go to Vincent’s this time, but we made the old boys some Yeti gumbo. A good time was had by all.

The next day, we descended like locust upon the Squirrel Hill Panera, lazed about the apartment for a while, and went to Little Debby’s for a BBQ. We couldn’t stay long though because we wanted to get to the game and tailgate…and tailgate we did! Shannon brought some delicious bratwurst that we cooked up on the little gas grill my dad just gave me (and which I’ve already managed to break with my baboon-like strength), and we drank Old Milwaukee while we took in some eye candy and cursed the very souls of anyone wearing Philly’s gear.

The game was good (we won the hell out of it), and a little daredevil driving on my part landed us back in Squirrely Hill in record time. What was left of the weekend was pretty standard (additional drinking and the Eat ‘N Park breakfast buffet), so I’ll spare you the details. I’ll say this though, if Jared doesn’t craft a post soon about the Philly fans at the game, you’ll be hearing about that next.

Done and done, go!