Iran agrees with Wesley Willis, "Cut the mullet!"

If you checked out CNN.com early enough this morning, you may have seen the most disturbing headline ever written:

No, I don't mean that Fatty McChunkstyle lost weight on vacation (big deal, I lost 1.5 lbs sleeping last night).  I'm talking about the Iranians banning mullets.  What!?!

For those of you that can't or don't want to try to read the caption below the picture, it says, "Iran recently issued strict grooming guidelines for men. Among the hairdos that are now hair don'ts: the '80's Prince-style pompadour, the Steven Seagal-style ponytail and the 'business in the front, party in the back' mullet."  What kind of world do we live in?  I mean seriously, do religious zealots just have too much time on their hands?

Suicide bombers, please just listen to me for a minute.  Let's say you strap some C4 to your hairy Islamic chest and go explode some Jews or gays or gay Jews...or whoever you're told to hate that week.  Sure, Allah is supposed to reward you with 72 virgins, but how do you expect to woo them without a sweet mullet?  I think you'd even look good in a permullet.  You know what they say, if you lose the curls, you lose the girls.

...I guess I can kinda see where you're coming from on this though.  Who wants 72 virgins, right?  You need slutty girls that know how to stroke a...beard...

But I digress.  I think it's fair to say (based on several movies I've seen and that one episode of NCIS) that Iran is the worst place ever.  I mean, check out this quote about the approved haircuts from one of the nut jobs in charge:

"In designing these hair styles, we have not tried to go backward. On the contrary, we have tried to make our designs a mixture of our traditions and Iranian culture, as well as the latest fashions and by doing so confront the cultural assault by the West (on our country)."

Uh, did I miss something?  How is the mullet, a haircut made famous by hockey players, a cultural assault.  Did someone with a Mississippi Mudflap come to Iran and start some trouble in a bar?  Oh wait, that's right, alcohol is illegal too, so there are no bars...

Ok, did some redneck construction worker with an Ape Drape visit your country and whistle at all the pretty girls walking by? No, that can't be right; you keep your women covered up from head to toe...

Did your populace finally see MacGyver and his awesome Kentucky Waterfall?  That must be it.  The people you oppress have learned how to take down your totalitarian regime using nothing but duct tape and paper clips.  I'm sending them a care package right now full of Donnie Iris 8-tracks (you guys don't have cassette players yet, right?).