Help, I'm old and confused!

Let's face it, I'm old. Not as ancient as Crooked Jim and his old leathery balls, but still pretty old. If I slipped and fell right now, I'd probably break a hip. And then I'd complain about the damn hippie teenagers and their "rock and roll" devil music. And then drink something with and orange-flavored fiber powder stirred in. Also, I might have diabetes (say it like Wilford Brimley, please).

Now, because I'm so old, tired, and confused all the time, I'm having trouble coming up with ideas for stuff to buy my groomsmen for the wedding. Sure, beef jerky does say "I love you" like no other gift on Earth, but I have to show up with more than a burlap sack full of dried meat (that sort of sounds like Crooked Jim too...). I already bought one thing for the four gentlemen in question, but I'm worried that's going to be my only inspired idea.

That's where you come in. I'd like to continue sitting here being fat and stupid while you come up with ideas for me. Plus, at this point, even a troglodyte is more creative than me, so let's see what you've got. If you can come up with a good enough idea for one or more groomsmen gifts, I'll have your name engraved on the Yeti's version of it as a reward. That'll learn 'im.

Uhhh...

I used to watch professional wrestling all the time. I went to King of the Ring with the Teacher, I loved Wrestlemania, and I've slapped more than a few submission holds onto my sisters. But never, in all that time, did I see anything like this:Only in Japan. Crap like this could only happen in Japan. Why are they always doing the most ridiculous stuff over there, seriously? Is the whole country so hopped up on toxins from sushi fish that they've gone a little retarded? Maybe it's just a cultural thing, I don't know. I'm the Scientist, not a freakin' liberal arts hippie trying to understand people and their feelings.

Come to think of it though, I guess this won't only happen in Japan now that it's become famous on the the greatest blog in the history of the internet. I wouldn't be surprised to see this happening while walking down the street next week. In fact ladies, I hear that the Yeti might be using this as his new "finishing move" if you can smell what the Rock is cookin'.

Sweet Jazzercising Jesus!

Created by The Oatmeal

I have the power of three wolves.

Many of you already know about the "three wolf t-shirt." If you don't, you must be retarded or something, but you can get the whole back-story by reading this.In a nut shell, Amazon.com once suggested that some dude might be interested in buying the three wolf t-shirt. He took one look at it and started a sensation by writing a witty review about how the shirt fits his girthy frame like a glove and drove the ladies wild at Walmart. Honestly, I can imagine all of that actually happening in real life.

The actual magic, however, was the avalanche of other amazing reviews that people wrote claiming that the three wolf t-shirt cures cancer, angels sing Freebird when you wear it, etc. I think this quote really sums it up though, "You don't put this T-shirt on your torso, you put it on your soul."

You're damn right you do!

Being an internet-savvy hominid, the Yeti decided that he was going to buy two of these shirts to give out as prizes for a bachelor party cornhole tournament. Now, before you start wondering what kind of S&M homosexual bachelor party this was, please educate yourselves on the finer points of cornhole as a game. Regardless, everyone was psyched for a chance to win the honor of wearing such a powerful garment.

The teams included participants born in 4 different decades (old man power vs. young blood), from all over the greatest state in the union (PA, uh YEAH!), and with varying levels of baldness. It was a double elimination, beer-fueled shenanigan, and I'm happy to say that the Biophysicist and I destroyed the competition in true Pittsburgh fashion (go Stillers!). Upon receiving my three wolf t-shirt, I promptly spilled beer all over it, kill!

Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this story. Later that night, when the moon was full and the power of the wolves was at its peak, the park ranger ambled over to tell us to turn the music down. And no sooner had this request come out of his mouth when he looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're the champion, aren't you?"

He knew. He knew.

How many wolves do you rock?

Gecky B, here are some tasteless jokes for you.

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "mourning." He said, "No, just taking a shit."


When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.


My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and said, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "No, it'll be too painful."


I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "because I am trying to examine you."


I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped
her back over, and came all over her face and hair. Man was she upset; I guess we don't watch the same movies.

Mountain Family Reunion

A while back, the Yeti emailed me some pictures that his sister took in her back yard:At first, I was amused and slightly concerned for all of the Mullets on the Mountain. Then I realized that this is probably just one of the Yeti's hairy relatives. For all we know, that could be Uncle Peebag getting ready for a little nap.

Seriously though, how can you tell? The Yeti family has be de-evolving (I prefer the term devolving) for generations. I'd wager that the Yeti himself is actually more genetically similar to Cro-Magnon man than a Sasquatch at this point. He's able to form and use crude tools, but he lacks the wily skills to kill hikers for their beef jerky.

Dr. Snail?

Let's face it, this is what everyone aiming for tenure dreams about. Kill you Dr. Snail!

It's all the Yeti's fault.

It's been many, many moons since I've posted on the blog, and you know what? Kill you Jared!

I'm going to post a back-log of stuff today. May God have mercy on your soul.

Go!

cleaning the shower

just to give you an idea of how lazy i am, i swiffered my shower today instead of scrubbing it down. it wasn't a dry swiffer though, it was a wet one. what normally would take 15 minutes took me like 2. i consider that progress.

I knew it!

Much like Obama, the Yeti is not an American.

Hey, is he old!?!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...

It's the Yeti's birthday, uh YEAH!!!

On this day, a scant 28 years ago, a very pregnant mountain woman gave birth to a 25 lb hairy bundle of joy named The Yeti. Now, there are theories that Yetis are marsupials, but I can't imagine evolution coming up with a pouch that's tough enough to tote a yetiling around in. Still, until we can observe the elusive creature and study his mating dance in his natural surroundings (i.e., after 8 cherry coke races and two pitchers of Yuengling), much about The Yeti remains a mystery.

In any event, today's the day to hoist your birthday beers and offer up some birthday cheers. Or, like we said before, shower The Yeti with gifts or just give him a golden shower. Done and done, go!