"Elvis was a pussy."

That's a quote from Johnny Cash via Dr. Snail to celebrate the birthday of the Man in Black. Uh YEAH!!!

Random Wednesday (on a Thursday)

It's been another amazing week in the lives of the Dr. Yeti staff, and here's a rundown of the highlights:

1. The Yeti recently joined another blog centered around the much ballyhooed Fat Man Face-Off. One of his co-workers at the Virginia Group for Investigations of Ninja Activity (VaGINA) was checking out the Fat Man blog and eventually worked her way back to the yeti taint of the blogosphere, i.e. this blog. She quickly learned that it wasn't something she should be viewing while at work (if she wants to keep her job) and likened it to the time she wandered on to the NAMBLA website. For those of you who don't watch South Park, NAMBLA is the real life North American Man-Boy Love Association (yes, it is what you think). I've never been so proud to be compared to a bunch of pedophiles, and I'm happy to share it with you. Also, I've always wanted to use the phrase "much ballyhooed."

2. The Yeti, going through a blogessaince of his own, has been posting a lot lately, including several apologies for missing important birthdays. Well, what he and I both missed recently was Faschnacht Day...kill! You can read all about this magical PA Dutch holiday here or take the lazy man's route and just check out the definition here. Anyway, I noticed a huge spike in traffic to the blog on Faschnacht Day. It turns out that we're the number 3 site on all of Google if you search "Faschnacht Day." I'm hoping the number of times I've repeatedly typed Faschnacht Day in this post will move us up to number one, uh YEAH!

3. I was cruising Bass Pro Shops online the other day and bought a 9 ft rod and reel combo to do some shore/pier fishing this year (many thanks to the Phagette and Biophysicist for the gift card!). Does anyone have any tips for this kind of angling? I've never really done any fishing in saltwater other than that one time in Maine when Hairy Parry caught the demon fish.

4. Dr. Snail found a web-app called Wordle that you can use to generate word clouds from any text you like. The clouds are made of the words that appear most frequently in the text, with large words being especially prevalent. It's a good way to waste some time if you're interested. If you click here, you should be able to see what my thesis turned into.

hmmm...

so scientist, what are you giving up for lent this year?

day late, dollar short

so i told you how's i'm in the fat man face-off, right? well at the initial weigh-in, the big topic of discussion was the need to invent the wii-fuck. it was hilarious and the conversation surrounding the wii-fuck went on for hours. but alas, we may be too late. in reading www.wwtdd.com (i blame the scientist for directing me to this site), i came across the following: the we-vibe. now granted, it doesn't hook up to your wii, but it's all about phonetics. it's a sad day.

Holy Crap!

Over the years, we've featured a variety of recipes and links to some of the finest, tastiest, and artery-clogging delicacies that the perverted human intellect can produce. I'm happy to say that they all pale in comparison to this.

I recommend that you click that link to bask in the beauty of an amazing pork extravaganza, but if you're too damn lazy, here's a quick rundown.

The end product looks like this:
Looks pretty much like bacon, right? Everyone loves bacon, what could be wrong?

It started out as this:Yes, it's a recipe for cured, rolled pig face. Pig. Face. Good lord, who in the south came up with this? And you know someone makes this, batter-dips it, and then deep fries it to a delicious golden brown. Oh god...

Ok, I think I'm better. I'm not going to lie; I would probably eat the hell out of this. Give me a bottle of Frank's Red Hot, and stand back. I can't imagine it has much nutritional value, but neither does the majority of the stuff I eat.

we're lazy

in a blatant display of how lazy we are here at dr. yeti, we failed to acknowledge to birthdays of two of our closest "acquaintances". BUT, it's never too late to make fun of someone, so happy birthday dr. snail (feb 9th) and frumpkin (feb. 20).

FOR THE BOTH OF YOU

this may seem a little weird, but appropriate since i was roommates with both assholes.



FOR THE FRUMPKIN

FOR DR. SNAIL

mullet power

i beg to differ. has there ever been a mullet that you wanted to fuck with?

New Jersey - Land of Celebrity Siblings

This may be the product of not having slept since I saw the movie "Coraline," but I keep seeing people in New Jersey that look like the kid brothers of famous people. Seriously, it's getting a little disturbing.

For instance, the Comcast guy that showed up to hook up our cable looked like Lopez Lomong. I know what you're thinking, "who's Lopez Lomong?" What are you guys, some kind of assholes? Don't you watch track and field when it's on ESPN8 (The Ocho)? Lopez was an American olympic hopeful this past summer. When he was young, he was kidnapped by the people that keep killing other people in Sudan (or something like that). I can't remember if he was slated for ethnic cleansing or if they were going to brainwash him and teach him how to kill people like in "Blood Diamond," but he somehow escaped captivity and ran to freedom.

For real, he ran for like 3 days straight until he ended up in another country. It's was like Forrest Gump, except Tom Hanks would have to play a black guy in this one. Anyway, he was adopted by some Americans, and he became a track star in the distance events. This is what he looks like:
Now, imagine my surprise when a Comcast truck pulls up and a dude that looks suspiciously like Lopez Lomong jumps out! This guy, let's call him Slowpez, was nuts. I couldn't understand a word he said other than "cable," and for some reason he kept running laps around the townhouse. I imagine that Lopez Lomong would do much the same thing, but I knew it must really be Slowpez because he was slower than his older brother and hadn't mastered the English language yet. I still don't know why he was running around the outside of the house for 15 minutes though. Maybe he was in training?

This next one is for the ladies.

I saw Orlando Bloom's little brother in a parking lot. Let's call him Tampa. Tampa looked like a surly cross between Legolas and whoever Orlando played in "Pirates of the Caribbean." So basically, just picture a long-haired blond elf with a crustache:I'm no artist, so I couldn't really capture the surliness in the picture above, but you know why Tampa was so pissed? He was working as the guy that has to collect shopping carts in the parking lot, and we all know what that's like in Jersey now. I'd be pissed at life too if my name was Tampa and I had to clean up after everyone else's slothful ways.

Wow, this post sucked a taint. I'm sorry.

Yo, check out these phat beats.

The Teacher and I want you to check this out and turn up the volume.

was i the victim of a racial slur?

so in my line of work and to get out of work, i volunteer to spend time with a 5th grader at an underprivileged school in a predominantly black section of richmond. this is my second year of participation in the program. a school bus picks us up twice a month and we ride over to the school and work on reading or math with the kids.

well, we went yesterday and as i'm walking into the lunch room to greet the kid i work with, he and another kid say to me, "hey whitey!" it used to be that people only commented on my yeti-ness. i can handle that. but commenting on my whiteness...that hurts. it's not like i walk in there and call them blacky. no. i reserve that name for the frumpkin. i tell ya folks, i was victimized and i didn't like it.

What I've learned about New Jersey so far...

Growing up in southwestern PA (i.e., Utopia), you acquire an ill-defined hatred of certain places. I'm not talking about Philadelphia and Cleveland; everyone knows why you should hate them. No, I mean New Jersey here.

I was always under the impression that the only thing New Jersey was good for was keeping the ocean out of Pennsylvania. I'd heard that medical waste washed up on Jersey beaches, the entire place smelled like garbage, everyone talked with some ridiculous pseudo-NYC accent, and the place was full of man-tanned douchebags. And those are the nicest things I'd heard...

Well, when it came time for me to relocate to the Garden State, I was a bit concerned. Who wants to move to a Super Fund site, right? I can say now that the whole place doesn't smell like garbage and not everyone talks like they're retarded. Being that it's winter and I don't frequent clubs, I can't comment on the beaches and d-bags yet. I have learned some new and interesting facts in my short time here though, and I'd like to share them with you:

1. No one, and I mean no one, returns their shopping carts to the cart return places in parking lots. People in NJ drive the cart full of stuff up to their car, unload it, and then just abandon it wherever they please like a prom night fetus. It makes me angry.

2. Everyone here has permanent road rage, and I think it's because you can rarely make a proper left hand turn; they use the jug handle left here. The speed limit is just a suggestion, the first 5 seconds of a red light mean nothing, and yielding/merging is like a battle royal.

3. Gasoline is cheap as hell here, but you can't pump it yourself.

4. Aside from the northern part of the state around Newark (which is really just an extension of NYC), there are a lot of trees and farms around here. I guess it's the Garden State for a reason.

5. Don't go to Walmart, just don't do it. It's like a third world country in there. Go to Target instead.

6. Rogue Ale's Hazelnut Brown Nectar is $5.49 at the Wegman's liquor store, uh YEAH!

7. There's a disturbing lack of mafia violence. The Sopranos lied.

I'll keep you updated as new trends become apparent.

Random Wednesday

I often have small shenanigans that happen but aren't deserving of a full blog post, so let's see how a trial run of the Random Wednesday post goes...

Back to the past?
Last night, I had a dream about how to build a naval time machine. It involved an old, old wooden ship with two Back to the Future Deloreans strapped to the poop deck (haha, poop deck). Seriously, that's all the dream was. Two Deloreans tied to the back of an old timey ship. I guess you would need 2.42 gigawatts of power for the thing and enough wind to get it sailing at 88 mph (how many knots is that?), but then you're all set.
Is everyone in Louisiana retarded?
We've covered the topic of Louisiana before in some depth, but this new affront to America (brought to our attention by Dr. Snail) is just out of control. You can click the link to read the whole article, but in a nutshell, the 2008 Louisiana Science Education Act singles out evolution, the origins of life, and global warming for criticism by Christian fundamentalists. Seriously Louisiana, are you some kind of asshole or what? Thankfully, the scientific community is putting the economic screws to the already cash-strapped state by calling for boycotts of national meetings and the like there. Congratulations Governor Bobby Jindal, you suck a taint.

Timothy Olyphant
I watched the movie Hitman last night, and Timothy Olyphant has cemented his place as the greatest actor in this or any other generation. I have absolutely no idea what the movie was about. I'm not sure if it was based on a comic book, video game, or autobiography, but suffice to say that it was an hour and a half of T.O. being a total badass. In fact, Timmy O is such a piece of solid testosterone that Terrell Owens should have to relinquish his initials to the one and only true T.O. If you haven't seen this movie yet, go out and watch it right now. And if you understand any of it, please clue me in.

fat man face-off

last thursday i joined a friend of mine and entered the fat man face-off (fmf). basically the fmf is a bunch of overweight middle-aged men (and myself) putting money up to lose (as a percentage) the most pounds. i knew i was in good company during the weigh-in when the group went through two cases of yeungling, 4 dozen wings and a roasting pan full of baked beans and pork bbq. we had to add on a few pounds before the actual weigh-in...fat man cheating at it's best.

in a discussion with my friends wife (who happens to be a coworker) i discovered that yes, i am a fat man and i don't care. you see, in looking back at my weekend i realized that i eat what the hell i want and don't give a damn regarding my svelte physique (i weighed in at 301.8 lbs).

let's recap my meals going back to friday evening:

fri dinner - chinese take-out
sat. lunch - taco bell
sat. dinner - i don't recall
sun. lunch - beef pot roast w/ gravy
sun. dinner - beer, tortilla chips and queso
mon lunch - open faced roast beef sandwich smothered in gravy
mon dinner - roast beef sandwich on wheat with hot pepper relish, fried okra

oh and did i mention that i made a cake this weekend too? well i did.

so there you have it. i am already falling behind in the fmf. i did however try to eat a bit healthier today. for lunch i had a veggie delite sub from subway and a naked chicken breast with steamed veggies for dinner.

have i foresaken my yeti heritage? is dieting really worth the money? i believe it is. i plan on taking laxatives (another way that fat men cheat) before each weigh-in.

The Haircut that may have Defeated the Taliban

I was starting to look like a dirty hippie, so I decided to get my hair cut the other day. I still haven't found a decent place to get my ears lowered in NJ, so I figured I'd just hit up the local Fantastic Sam's and hope for the best. Needless to say, I had an adventure.

When I walked into the place, I didn't really know what to make of it. There was a young effeminate black guy working the counter, a tray of assorted soft pretzels with dipping sauce, Blade Trinity on TV, and leather couches. It was so awesome that I didn't even have to read the book I brought with me. I was actually a little pissed when my turn came up because I was enjoying Wesley Snipes killing vampires.

I was also pissed because the chick cutting my hair looked like something you might find living behind a truck stop. Oh well, we can't all be natural beauties like the Yeti.

Anyway, the Blair Witch was cutting my hair and decided to demonstrate her speech impediment by making small talk. I'm bad at small talk...and all other forms of conversation. I don't know what to say, and when I tell people I'm the Scientist, you never know how they're going to respond. This lady wanted to know why her girlfriend kept passing out...

Well, as I deftly tried to steer the conversation towards the weather, two Muslim women walked into the place. The Blair Witch whispered into my ear, "I won't work on them, so I'm just going to take my time with you." And she proceeded to give me the longest haircut ever. Now, I know my head is the size of a 5 gallon bucket, but it still only takes a normal person 10 minutes to trim my dome. This lady broke out all of her tools and took 45 minutes to give me the best haircut I've had in a long time.

I guess being a young, clean cut Caucasian occasionally has its advantages.

Dr. Yeti movie review - Coraline

Sweet creamy Christ, this was the scariest movie I've ever seen! The Sciencette took me to see Coraline for Valentine's Day, and I haven't slept since. It was the most disturbing thing ever. No matter what you're afraid of, they exploit it in this movie. Scared of spiders? Done! Afraid of heights? You're screwed! Does seeing people and animals with buttons sewn where their eyes should be make you want to shit yourself? Bring extra pants! Even the music freaked me out.

The story is about a girl who moves from Michigan to Oregon with her parents. The parents are writing a gardening catalog...or something...and they ignore their child Coraline to meet their deadline...or something (I'm intentionally vague here because what the movie didn't directly frighten out of my short term memory was a little hard to follow anyway). Well, Coraline doesn't like any of this, but instead of taking up drinking, starting a bad drug habit, or getting pregnant like a normal American kid, she finds a secret door to a pocket dimension where some crazy sewing machine/spider hybrid lives.

If you've seen any of the commercials and you're following what I just said, you'll agree with me that the villain in this movie should marry Pennywise the clown from Stephen King's "It" and make horrible, horrible clown/spider/sewing machine babies. They all float down here Georgie, but I digress...

I forgot where I was going with all of this, but I should also mention that there were at least two small children in the theatre that were ruined for life by watching this movie. They were too scared to even cry properly. Their parents had no idea that the movie was going to be so mentally disturbing and decided to start a mid-movie conversation about this with the strangers sitting next to them. Eventually, they left with their kids, but i'm going to have to say that was a bad move. The kids never got to see the good guys win (those assholes always win), so as far as they know, pure evil is stalking them and their parents at home right now.

Anyway, I'll give this movie 3 out of 5 "Uh YEAHs!" for the simple fact that it unmercifully changed my life forever. It lost points by not mentioning Rogue Ales a single time despite taking place in Oregon and because there were no ninjas, explosions, killer robots, or car crashes in the whole movie.

Beep beep Richie!

I guess not everyone appreciates Darwin.

The Yeti clued me into this fiasco. Apparently, Jeff Frederick, the Chairman of the Republican Party in the state of Virginia, took it upon himself to publicly bash Darwin on his birthday yesterday.



If the video doesn't work, or you're too lazy to click on it, little Jeffy basically mumbles something along the lines of,

Darwin is best known for the theory of evolution, arguing that men are not only, quote, are, are only, not, not created, but they are not equal, as more, as some are more evolved. Whereas Darwin’s theory was used by atheists to explain away the belief in God....

What does that shit even mean? This guy is barely literate. Now come on, what's the deal here? Are people from the south just all retarded, or is it Republicans, all politicians...? I think if I could legally mule kick one person a week, this guy would be my target. Obama, can you make that happen?

Hmm...

What do you do when you have this conversation with your new boss?

Boss: What does your t-shirt say?
Scientist: 'My brain is hung like a horse.'
Boss: ...
Scientist: It was a gift.
Boss: I don't get it.
Scientist: Uhh...

Yeah, it was a little awkward. The Sciencette did ask me if I wouldn't rather wear a different shirt this morning. Oh well, as soon as the weather warms up, I can impress people with my yeast t-shirt.

FYI, we had more visitors and page views for Darwin's birthday post than we've had since the blog became shitty (everyone blames the Yeti, and rightly so). Take that Jesus!

Happy birthday Charlie Darwin!

Dude, let's face it. Charles Darwin was a bearded badass, plain and simple. That son of a bitch took a boat ride around the world in a time when a bunch of idiots probably still thought the Earth was flat, scurvy was the rule not the exception, and Americans had yet to invent cherry Pepsi. Not only did he survive the entire trip, get a nice tan, and hook up with a bunch of island babes, but he came up with the theory of freakin' evolution along the way. We're talking natural selection, descent with modification, survival of the fittest and shit!

This guy was an academic Macgyver. He used the mental equivelent of duct tape and spit to turn his observations of birds into probably the most important damn concept in biology. Why do I think it's so important?

Consider this: the Catholic Church (and a shit-ton of other flavors of Judeo-Muslim-Christians) don't believe in evolution. They just don't. They figure some invisible man in the sky who has three major religions devoted to him (and whose devotees each hate the other two groups despite the fact that they pray to the same figment of the imagination) created all life on Earth just the way it is.

Now, consider what Mr./Ms. Garrison said about evolution on South Park:

Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this... In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this [she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent] retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you! So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!

Based on Dawrin's theory of evolution and the science supporting it, the obvious pharce presented to the students on South Park is actually more believable than anything you'll find in the Bible. That's right, because of Darwin, South Park is more educational than the Bible. Who else can claim such an impact?

Anyway, to celebrate Darwin's birthday, Dr. Snail and I invite you to look back at our previous posts about evolution and maybe learn a thing or two:

The evolution of beer yeast

The evolution of the taint (a family favorite!)

Ricky Bobby on evolution

Is evolution racist?

Those damn British!

Was the yeti's taint intelligently designed?

Damn dirty apes!

My body is a wonderland.

The greatest thing that ever happened to anybody just happened to me, and I had to tell someone about it.

I burped through my ear.

I shit you not; I burped, and it came out of my ear. The Sciencette doesn't believe me at all. She says that I was either 1) asleep and dreaming or 2) that I'm in need of immediate medical attention. Basically, she doesn't think it's anatomically possible. Think about it though. Your Eustachian tube connects your throat to your ear. That's why you can end up with an ear ache when you have a sore throat and vice versa. The way I was laying too - on my side, shoulder sorta hunched, chin slightly tucked - it could have been the path of least resistance.

I know it definitely wasn't a dream. I've had burps go weird places and do strange things. Like a Pepsi burp that goes out through your nose and burns. But this wasn't a burp I summoned or forced out. It was one of those guys that sneaks up on you and just escapes. I felt it moving up my throat, and then it hung a hard right into my ear. It seriously jiggled stuff in my ear canal, shock-a-BAM! My eardrum was like, "Dude, holy crap!"

It was a life changing event that I'll never forget, and I'm happy to be able to share it with you.

Sixburgh N'at

"Big Snack" Casey Hampton wants all the ladies to know that this is what a real man looks like.Everyone in that crowd is offering to wash his car and bake him a pie.

A Case of Mistaken Identity

Do you remember those "Tot Finder" stickers that parents put in your windows?
They used to look like this back in the day:
But some of the new ones aren't nearly as badass:

Anyway, it was supposed to be a way for firemen to quickly find the rooms of children in burning houses and whatnot. They just looked for the stickers and set up the ladders...leaving the parents and pets to die a horrible fiery death...

Well, it turns out that our new place in Old Jersey has at least one of these stickers. I didn't even notice it, but the Sciencette used her keen observational skills to spot it and target it for eventual removal. So, who gives a shit about that right? Well, check this out (and have a little faith in me).

The Tot Finder sticker in our window must have been put there 10 years ago, because it's all faded out. It's in such bad condition that the Sciencette couldn't even really read it. In fact, when she mentioned it, she said, "We need to get rid of that Tot Rider sticker in the front window."

As soon as my brain processed what she said and connected it with what she actually meant, I lost it! Tot Rider...ahahahahahahaha! That just conjures up images of a Catholic priest with a bad mustache wearing a cowboy hat.I guess she either didn't know what the Tot Finder stickers were all about or just doesn't drag her mind through the Tot Rider sewer where mine lives. Regradless, it was obviously the greatest thing that ever happened, and I encourage someone with more artistic ability than me to design a good Tot Rider logo to put on a t-shirt. Done and done, go!

FYI, thanks to Google Image for supplying the Tot Finder and Catholic priest images.

SIX-BURGH

a picture is worth a thousand words

more to come...

here we go...

what else is there to say?