Help, I'm old and confused!

Let's face it, I'm old. Not as ancient as Crooked Jim and his old leathery balls, but still pretty old. If I slipped and fell right now, I'd probably break a hip. And then I'd complain about the damn hippie teenagers and their "rock and roll" devil music. And then drink something with and orange-flavored fiber powder stirred in. Also, I might have diabetes (say it like Wilford Brimley, please).

Now, because I'm so old, tired, and confused all the time, I'm having trouble coming up with ideas for stuff to buy my groomsmen for the wedding. Sure, beef jerky does say "I love you" like no other gift on Earth, but I have to show up with more than a burlap sack full of dried meat (that sort of sounds like Crooked Jim too...). I already bought one thing for the four gentlemen in question, but I'm worried that's going to be my only inspired idea.

That's where you come in. I'd like to continue sitting here being fat and stupid while you come up with ideas for me. Plus, at this point, even a troglodyte is more creative than me, so let's see what you've got. If you can come up with a good enough idea for one or more groomsmen gifts, I'll have your name engraved on the Yeti's version of it as a reward. That'll learn 'im.