I had my ears lowered.

Normally, I don't give two shits about my hair. I wash it, I towel it dry, and that's it. I haven't owned or used a comb in 2 decades. Hair's for chicks and hippies.

Regardless, I have to get my hair cut frequently because it grows so fast and dense. I usually just go to Super Cuts because it's cheap, and they have convenient locations. With my sister's wedding coming up this Friday, I (read: the Sciencette) figured it was high time to get a trim.

I'm not sure if it's the new Super Cuts dress code or just a random coincidence, but all the women there were wearing black stretch pants tonight. Now, some of you might be thinking I hit the jackpot, but let's face it - I get my hairs cut far too close to Blawnox (no way!) to ever see any attractive women. No, the staff for the afternoon shift consisted of Jabba the Cut, the Foreign FUPA Lady, and Camel Toe Sally.

CTS took care of me, and aside from the egregious ninja boot staring at me from below her belt, I've gotta say that she gave me one of my 5 best haircuts. She took her time, used all of the weapons in her arsenal, and shaved the back of my neck for a solid 2 minutes. The neck shave is my favorite.

Oddly enough, one of my other 5 best haircuts came right before another wedding - Teacher, did you make any babies yet?

A drinking tour of Florida.

For a Yankee like me, the humid climes of Florida can be pretty daunting. I really only know one solution to beat the heat, and that's to drink heavily.

Here I am with no less than two frozen margaritas. It tastes so good when it hits your lips!Sometimes, you just want a beer though, so you might as well get a liter of it, right? The Engineer and I both thought we should.Not to be outdone, the ladies (Darlene "I need a blog name," The Sciencette, and Momma vK) ponied up a few beers themselves.The only problem with drinking all of these delicious drinks is that bad things can happen. You get drunk, get trapped in phone booths, and fall off monorails.
Still, those frozen margaritas were mighty tastey...

A quiz for Dr. Snail.

It's well known that the Scientist likes cold blooded creatures (both the seeing and eating thereof), so I forced the Sciencette and her family to visit Gatorland (the alligator capital of the world) with me in Florida. I had been there once when I was in second grade, and all I can remember is that it was anti-total gaylord.

As luck would have it, the place is still bad ass. Although it's currently undergoing some construction/renovation and you can't get in through the giant alligator mouth entrance right now, Gatorland has lost none of its unique charm. They still have alligators and crocodiles, there's a petting zoo (if you're into mammals), they showcase birds and snakes common to Florida, and they put on a variety of shows (gator wrasslin', etc).

I'm convinced that they guy running the place is a genius too...mainly because he's a millionaire. He charges admission to see alligators. You can pay to get your picture taken holding a baby gator. You can even buy food to feed the gators. Most of the stock they raise is later processed into meat (delicious) and hides to be sold. It's nothing but profit.

Anyway, let's get to the quiz part. I'll start you off with an easy one. Are these alligators or crocodiles - and for bonus points - what's the difference between a gator and a croc anyway?

Question 2: The lagoon (or whatever you want to call it) at Gatorland is full of these fish:
For one billion points, what kind of fish are they?

Notes from Florida

The Sciencette and I are finally back from our foray into the deep south, but when you think about it, we weren't really in the south at all. We stayed in a Disney resort, and basically everything that Disney owns is a different universe. You could actually tell the exact moment when you hit American soil again, because mullets started to appear.

Regardless, there were all manner of shenanigans on the trip precipitated by not only myself but the Sciencette's family and friends. In the days to come, you'll hear all about these, but I wanted to hit you with some highlights for the time being:

1. Americans are fat.
Like the Sciencette's dad, The Engineer, would tell you, there are vast flotillas of morbidly obese people riding those Hover Round scooters from food vendor to food vendor all over the Disney parks. I wanted to feed them to alligators, but I'm not sure if reptiles can suffer from high cholesterol.

2. Disney is riding Dr. Yeti's coattails.
There will be photo evidence of this later, but it became immediately clear in the Animal Kingdom that somebody at Disney is stealing our ideas.

3. So that's what happened to them.
Have you ever seen turkey breasts sold in grocery stores? Have you ever wondered what happens to the rest of those turkeys? Disney buys them and sells the drumsticks as delicious smoked meat-cudgel treats. As for the remainder of the bird, I can only speculate that they feed the other parts to their Mexican workers.

4. Women can grow grizzly ass.
At Typhoon Lagoon, one of our comrades saw a woman with dense black hair covering her ass. Why a woman with shag carpeting covering her nether-cheeks would wear a bathing suit that showcases the feature is beyond me. I mean, you've gotta know when you can grow dreadlocks on your butt, right?

5. I am completely out of shape.
You walk a lot when you go to a theme park. You also stand in line, push wheelchairs, sit on cold aluminum bleachers, and eat too much. Some combination of the above affected me to the point that I threw out my back brushing my teeth. I'm useless.

That's all for now. I'm still trying to recover. Once I finally get a hardy night's sleep and ease back into real life, I'll regale you with stories. Kill you Jared.

it's the little things

now that bochman has thrown down the gauntlet, i feel i must respond. you see, it's not that i don't want to post. it all boils down to the fact that yeti's are notoriously lazy. if you had a bochman to do all the work for you, would you post? that's what i thought. let the eager beaver do it and i'll ride his tail.

you know, it's the little things in life that really matter. i got the e-card below a couple weeks ago from dr. yeti's favorite rabble-rouser, dane fischer. it touches the heart doesn't it?


Message:Dane Miss Grizz

i miss you too dane. i miss you too.

Challenge Accepted

first off, kill you bochman!!! kill you dead.

secondly, thank you bochman for clearing up the al bundy debate. last weekend beardo and i went bowling. the question came up: was al bundy a good bowler? being that beardo's memory is loaded down with resin and mine was never sharp to begin with, we couldn't decide. so, we consulted the oracle, bochman. his definitive answer was yes, al bundy was a good bowler. i was so excited about al bundy that i went out and bought th 3rd season on dvd. it has not disappointed thus far.

as some of you in the know on the yeti's life, you are aware that i recently took a trip to visit some friends in atlanta. while i generally don't advise that anyone travel any further south than the city of richmond, va, it is acceptable when visiting friends. the saturday i was there, my friends, ashley (he's a he) and amy, got me a pass to go with them to the richard petty driving experience at talladega superspeedway. the pass was to ride in a stock car three laps around at full speed. unfortunately, the event was rained out. we did however get to ride in a van around the track and that was pretty cool. i can safely say that if i were in a stock car going around the track at 180mph i would have had my first, but not last, shitty pants experience of 2008. while there, we also went through the racing museum. they had ricky bobby's wonderbread car there. i laughed.


one of the days i was there, ashley and i went fishing with his friend heath. we caught ourselves a bunch of brim.


rest assured dear readers, this was the smallest one i caught. although this fish was a good 8 inches long. i no longer feel inadequate when holding my penis. you see, my hands are big and it makes my cut of meat look a bit smaller...


this was our day's catch. the biggest one is mine. kill you southerners!!! you were bested by a yankee.


and to answer the age old question, yes, a yeti does piss in the woods...in this case heath's back yard.

A little sponsor love.

Tomorrow, the Sciencette and I will be taking the Dr. Yeti company jet down to Florida for a week of sun and fun. The chances are good that I won't get a chance to post until I get back, so this could be the last update for a while...unless the Yeti kicks it into gear and drops some literary genius on us all. That's right, I'm calling you out son.

Regardless, I'm going to dedicate this post to some hopeful sponsors of our blogging endeavors. I warned you that this was going to happen, so let's see how it goes. You'll notice some new banner ads (and the absence of a few other things), and we hope to notice an increase in web traffic.

Our advertisers are offering coupons, deals, and discounts to you - Dr. Yeti's millions and millions of fans. For instance, if you want to go on a fabulous vacation like me, you can:
Browse Travel by Destination at Luxury Link

Or maybe you just want to find some hard to get tickets to sporting events, concerts, or the legitimate theatre. Hit up the TickCo banner at the top of the page and check out the special coupon for baseball tickets.

But hey, let's not screw around. You know you just want to buy a huge HDTV at closeout prices.

India is full of mutants.

The other day, I saw this news story. It's about a baby that was recently born in India with no less than 2 faces. Two freakin' faces!All of her eyes blink, and both of her mouths work. It boggles my mind trying to even think about what this kid's skull looks like on the inside. The baby isn't Siamese twins either, it's just one girl, two faces. Is this as disturbing as the infamous 2 girls, 1 cup? The world may never know.

Internet fetish sensations aside, this got me thinking of another baby girl recently born in India with 4 arms and 4 legs. This one actually is the fault of Siamese twinnage gone wrong, but still, we're dealing with a kid and her parasitic twin joined at the crotch!What's the deal with India!?! I guess if you think about it, they do have well over a billion people crammed into the country, and that ups the odds of seeing 1-in-a-billion birth defects.

This whole shenanigan also made me realize that the chances are good there's at least one person in India walking around with two taints. That's right, two or more taints. My imagination has atrophied to the point that I can't even slightly visualize what this condition would look like on a person, but it might not really be noticeable at all on a fully-clothed individual. You could be walking through a crowded market and pass a multi-tainted person without ever knowing.

Now, both of the baby girls above have been hailed as the reincarnations of Hindu deities. What do you think the chances are that polytaintism results in the same respect?

.

What do you guys think?

The staff here at Dr. Yeti has been given a chance to monetize the blog, i.e. insert some links and show some ads for businesses that want to sell you stuff. How does that strike you?

For years, we've had Google AdSense advertising at the top of the blog, but it has generated exactly zero dollars for us. Based on our current amount of blog traffic, the new advertising could earn us at least twice that (yes, I already know how that math works out).

If no one is horrifically opposed to it, I'm going to give this thing a try. I find it hard to believe a blog dedicated to taints and the shenanigans of yetis will score any cash, but one post per week for our sponsors sounds easy enough to do as a trial run.

Stay tuned.

Also, does the insult "His breath smells like he blew a sturgeon" sound cool? I thought it up while waiting for the bus last week.

Dr. Yeti Movie Review IV

It's time for another installment of the Dr. Yeti Movie Review. I tend to brain-vomit one of these out anytime I see a worthy movie or two. Plus, it's an excuse to use Roman numerals. The Sciencette loves Roman numerals; they get her all worked up. But I digress...


21.

I knew I was going to be flying solo on Saturday night, so I figured it might be a good idea to go out to the movies with The Old Man. Unfortunately, there isn't a wealth of movies that the padre and I would both want to see. It was either 21, Leatherheads, or Drillbit Taylor. I wasn't in the mood for Leatherheads-style comedy, and I heard that Drillbit Taylor sucked a taint, so I talked my dad and his girlfriend into seeing 21 with me.

It's the story of genius at MIT that's really good with numbers (think Bobby Walters but with less rage and fatter friends). He wants to go to Harvard Medical school, but he can't afford the $300,000 it'll cost. Apparently, he's never heard of school loans or money-making schemes on the internet. Also, I'm not sure why in the blue hell some dude that's a non-retarded Rainman wants to be a M.D. instead of a mathematician or physicist...but hey, maybe he just likes cutting people or something.

Regardless, his human calculator skills catch the eye of Professor Lex Luthor/Kevin Spacey who used to count cards in Vegas but now works at MIT. Lu-thor recruits the smart kid to be on his super-secret team of counting nerds that play blackjack in Vegas. You can see where this is going.

Without ruining the movie for you, let me just say that it was total badass, fun for the whole family, and makes me wish I knew how to do simple math. I give it two taints up!


Blades of Glory.

This is by no means a new movie (it's already on HBO), but I'd never seen it before. Unless you've been living in a cave in Huntingdon, you already know that this is the movie where Will Ferrel and Napoleon Dynamite team up to compete in pairs figure skating.

'Nuff said. If Will Ferrel and Napoleon Dynamite spandex-bumping their man packages doesn't make you want to run out and watch the movie, then you can go shave your nipple pubes.

The movie was awesome. It made me laugh out loud and almost choke on my yeti gumbo. If I could be any sports superstar, it would be Chazz Michael Michaels. Jesus, I hope there's a sequel...


Anyway, that's it for now. Stay tuned for what could be some big changes here at Dr. Yeti.

My first song.

A while back, I wrote a song to cheer up the Sciencette. I can't remember why she was upset (my brain is clogged with lab chemicals), but chances are good it was due to one of my shenanigans. Regardless, here's the song I wrote in all of its horrible glory. If you can think of any other verses (or stanzas or whatever yinz musical yard apes call song paragraphs), have at it!

Home, home on the range
Where the Sciencette acts pretty strange
And seldom are heard
The Scientist’s words
Because he doesn’t like to talk
And won’t change.

Home, home with his taint
While damn teenagers are out huffing paint
And often are tasted
Tons of munchies when he’s wasted
Because the Yeti courts trouble;
He’s no saint!

In the fields and the streams with his dog
Catching turtles and shit in a bog
And seldom is seen
Dr. Snail being clean
Because he sweats all day
Like a hog.

Drunk, drunk in a bar
Eating beef jerky from a big jar
And seldom is dry
Anything he sits by
Because JP pisses on stuff
Even cars.

Here, here with a laugh
She’s shorter than a mini-giraffe
Her name’s Gecky B
And she’s friends with me
Did you know a baby cow is sometimes called
A calf?

She is married to Ben
And her sword is mightier than your pen
Bibb likes the color purple
So she’ll twist your nurple
Then you’ll look more like Barbie
Not Ken.

What about fat people?

Recently, one of the big wigs at Pitt (who apparently rides PAT buses) has been trying to start an initiative to either ban book bags on buses or require those with book bags to hold them or place them at their feet while standing on the buses. To some of you, this might sound like a good idea at first. If you think about it, a heavily laden book bag can increase the stoutness of a person in one dimension by up to 2-fold. Thus, a single person takes up more than his or her fair share of room and is harder to get past while moving about the bus.

These are the points that the Pitt dude is trying to make, and while I guess they may be true, F them in the A!

Excuse my harsh language, but this is retarded. First off, if the city of Pittsburgh cared at all about public transportation, then there would be enough buses such that none of them would be crowded to the point where people need to stand in the central aisle. That's more dangerous and annoying than book bags you dumb assholes.

Second, why single out students? Lots of people bring their bulky crap on the bus. I've seen huge purses, large cardboard boxes, many bags of grocery, and (I swear to god) an entire newspaper vending machine. Seldom are these tards students, so if you want rules about book bags, you damn well better throw down some rules about this crap.

Lastly, I think we really need to examine the worst perpetrators here. What about fat people? I bet you could get on any PAT bus and find no less than 20 morbidly obese people. These thunder-chunks aren't just imposing roadblocks in the aisle, they take up 2/3 (or more) of a double seat all by themselves. If you're banning book bags, you better ban the hugely fat nurses, 500 lb Mexican guy, and myriad black women with asses that stick out like kitchen counters that ride my bus.

I could wear a full book bag and shove two hams into the seat of my pants and still not take up as much room on the bus as these people.

Kill you Pitt big wig! Kill you and your poorly thought-out arguments.