Friday, February 29, 2008

Bed Bath & Beyond

It's February 29th, a day that only shows up once every four years. I guess that makes it a pretty rare thing. Want to know what else is rare? Stores for dudes.

Sure, you say we have Dick's Sporting Goods and places like that, but you'll find an entire section of women's clothing in Dick's. We've got nothing.

Women have lots of places, places like Bed Bath & Beyond. BB&B pisses me off because it doesn't use proper punctuation (where are the commas people?), and it's full of crap that chicks like. If you've got the money to buy the crap, then more power to you.

I've got money; I want a man-version of BB&B. My first thought was Beer, Buttcheeks, & Beyond, but it turns out that butt cheeks is two words, and I'm not sure what kind of butt cheek products dudes would like to buy anyway. What about Beer, Bratwurst, & Beyond? I'd be all over the food court in that mofo. And what about these:
  • BBQ, Bullets, & Beyond
  • Beyonce, Badonkadonks, & Beyond (for the black guys)
  • Beef, Blimps, & Beyond
The possibilities are endless. Can you think of any good ones?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Myron Cope (Jan 23, 1929 - Feb 27, 2008)

Ladies and gentlemen, the staff here at Dr. Yeti would like to pay tribute to a fallen legend. Myron Cope died earlier today, and his keen Steelers incite will be sorely missed. The man that invented the Terrible Towel and spent an unparalleled 34 years as a color commentator for the Stillers died this morning in Mount Lebanon.

Let's all raise our Iron City aluminum bottles and give the man a toast, "Double Yoi!"

Monday, February 25, 2008

What's the deal with Louisiana?

For our longtime readers, you know that there's been a fair amount of Louisiana-bashing here on Dr. Yeti. We can't help it; there are just too many shenanigans that go on in the south. If you don't know what I mean, read this small primer on the subject and/or search for "Louisiana" in the upper left hand corner there.

Despite the fact that south is the worst direction ever, northerners still migrate that way.

The Yeti and Dr. Snail spent some time picking up masters degrees in Monroe, LA. Dr. Hoss is in New Orleans as we speak frequenting the brothels and searching for offshore oil. It must keep him pretty busy because he has yet to use his posting powers here.

And if that wasn't enough for you, Lady Lowsyana has seduced yet another of the north's best and brightest...Dr. Brownie. That's right, KB is headed to Baton Rouge to become the world's greatest water quality expert (on sites recently logged). Sir, the staff here at Dr. Yeti doff our caps to you and wish you the best of luck. Watch out for those alligator gar!

Friday, February 22, 2008

cows

i'm feeling a little inspired today, so bear with me. i read an article about some flood in bolivia or some other 3rd world country last weekend. one of the pictures was of a cow wading through the water. seeing this picture got me thinking. why are american cows so much better than foreign cows???? american cows are bigger and beefier (traits that we here at dr. yeti greatly admire) and just look healthier. i think instead of g.w. trying to spread democracy and capitalism around the world, he should look at spreading our vastly superior cows around the world. enjoy my photo expose.

American Cow


Foreign Cow


American Cows


Foreign Cows


American Cows


Foreign Cows


American Cow


Foreign Cow


American Cow


Foreign Cow



And something for the kids out there…


there you have it folks. definitive photo evidence that american cows are better than foreign cows.


Dr. Snail's Retarded Brother

beardo and i like to follow penguins hockey. what honest to goodness native pennsylvanian doesn't? oh, that's right, the taint-fisters from philthydelphia, the city of brothers on drugs. anyhow, we enjoy the young stars of the pens, sidney crosby and evgeni malkin (i think beardo has a huge man-crush on crosby, but that's another story). we both think that malkin looks like dr. snail's retarded brother. it brings us great amusement every time they show his mug on television. so, i put it to you, fans of dr. yeti, what do you think? does malkin look like dr. snail's retarded brother?


Malkin


Dr. Snail (circa 2003)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Yeti taint was intelligently designed.

If nothing else, Dr. Snail is creative. Mostly, he uses his powers for the forces of evil/hippieness though. Still, he decided to throw us a bone and came up with this little gem:


The Mark of Cain The Yeti


Recently, a group of scientists announced they had created a synthetic genome. The creators of the synthetic genome inserted ‘words’ into the amino acid sequence of the genome to serve as ‘watermarks’. Of course, all of those words were mere advertisements for the people and lab that created the genome (damn you Venter). This prompted science blogger Carl Zimmer to ask “What if evolution has produced sequences of DNA that happen to form words?” Now don’t go looking for ‘God’ in the sequences because you won’t find him (There’s no letter ‘O’ in the amino acid alphabet). In taking up the challenge, I searched for something near and dear to Dr. Yeti’s readers, the yeti taint. Searching for sequences containing the string YETITAINT revealed the mighty yeti leaving his sweaty mark across many organisms.


In humans, YETITAINT shows up in a protein associated with Sanfilippo syndrome, a terrible disease but interestingly causes those infected to grow coarse hair.

The following are a few other species which have YETITAINT in their DNA.


Cryptococcus neoformans is an encapsulated yeast-like fungus.


Anopheles gambiae the malaria carrying mosquito.


Trichomonas vaginalis, a protozoan which causes an STD called Trichomoniasis which has symptoms that include “heavy, yellow-green or gray vaginal discharge.”


Drosophila pseudoobscura a damn dirty fruit fly. Apparently this fruit fly is falsely obscure (?) according to the species name.


Shewanella woodyi, a glowing bacteria isolated from squid ink.


More Random Bacteria - Corynebacterium efficiens, Geobacter uraniireducens, Bacillus selenitireducens, Silicibacter pomeroyi



I believe this demonstrates the mystical power of the yeti to spread his taint across all forms of life, right down to the molecular level.



Kudos Dr. Snail, kudos.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Yeti Aid 2008

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Yeti is in dire straights. His financial situation is precluding him from joining his friends for the glorious celebration of Shannon D. Brown's birthday this weekend.

Obviously, this is unacceptable. The staff here at Dr. Yeti is acollecting donations via PayPal in the hopes that we can provide a travel grant to the Yeti. The PayPal link is located at the extreme bottom of this page; screw Sally Struthers and the Third World, we need your help.

I've personally given no less than $2.50 to this noble cause, and depending on what I find in my couch cushions, that figure could double overnight.

Please help us keep hope alive.

Sincerely,
The Scientist.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I am the winner.

The Sciencette just called me "Master Bochman," and it wasn't on a bet or anything. I can die happy now.

Being P.C. is for fags.

See how the title isn't politically correct? That's me being silly and making a (poor) joke. You have to be careful what you joke about though. According to IMDb, " Officials at the U.S. Alzheimer's Association have called on Julie Christie and others to show some sensitivity towards the disease at the Academy Awards on Sunday."

Apparently, Christie is up for an Oscar for playing someone with Alzheimer's in a movie called "Away from Her." I've never heard of that actress or movie, but the fact that she said the following and got these Alzheimer dudes mad is ridonkulous:
...she made an insensitive onstage joke while collecting the Best Actress prize at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. After thanking select members of the movie's cast and crew, Christie said, "And if I've forgotten anybody, well, it's just that I'm still in character."
I thought that was actually really witty of her. I mean, sweet crispy Christ, take a chill pill you 'Heimer Heads. It's not like anyone that was offended is even going to remember it anyway.

That's not the way their leader sees it though:
Peter Braun of the Alzheimer's Association tells the Los Angeles Times, "It is no laughing matter. People don't laugh about cancer, people don't laugh about AIDS. We call on the Academy to use this moment for good, as it has done for so many other social causes."
This guy is a douche. I know I don't speak for all of you, my millions and millions of fans, but I do know that I've laughed about cancer and AIDS before, and I'm generally considered part of "people." I guess old Petey doesn't know what he's talking about. I wonder if he's got Alzheimers...?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Santa Fe = anti-total gaylord

I don't like change; new things generally disappoint me. I've gotta tell you though, New Mexico/Santa Fe is bucking the trend. It could be that I'm staying at a swanky spa where they leave chocolates on my pillow every day, but that's not all of it.

I compare everything to the highest standards that I have, so states are compared to the greatest state (Pennsylvania, der) and cities are compared to Steel Town USA. For instance, the Pittsburgh airport is totally badass. It's easily navigable, has moving sidewalks, and most of all free wireless internet. On my way down here, I flew into Houston, and it was the worst place ever.

All I saw was the airport, mind you, but that was enough to sour me on it. The airport was retarded-small, super-crowded, they overbooked just about every flight, wireless cost $9.95, and they changed my departing gate without telling me. Also, the airport bars served Shiner Bock...kill you Shiner Bock!

When I got to Albuquerque though there was no Shiner Bock in sight, the crowds were non-existent, the wireless internet was free again (uh YEAH!), and I learned how to spell Albuquerque.

Anywho, my shenanigans since have been many and varied. Stay tuned for further updates.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Will Santa Fe be total gaylord?

Dear loyal readers,

I regret to inform you that I will be sciencing the hell out of a few things in Santa Fe this week, and thus, my posts will probably be sparse. I'd say perhaps the Yeti would pick up the slack in my absence, but we all know how that would turn out. Being in the south really just makes people lazy.

I was pretty excited to go to Santa Fe because I thought I'd be able to trade the wintry February climes of Pittsburgh for a warm little Mexi-fest. Weather.com says the place is going to be 40 degrees all next week though. What the hell!?! Al Gore and his global warming power point seem less and less truthful every day.

Will the trip be total gaylord? Will my lab explode without me? Will the Sciencette get kidnapped by terrorists while I'm gone forcing me to exact a brutal and bloody revenge?

Stay tuned for all the details.

Sincerely,
The Scientist

P.S. Kill you Jared!

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Happy birthday Dr. Snail!

Ladies and gentlemen, today we celebrate the birth of one of the world's greatest snailologists, the aptly-named Dr. Snail.

You may not know this, but Dr. Snail is actually one of the Yeti's many (many) love children...despite the fact that he's actually older than the Yeti. This just proves the long held theory that Sasquatch sperm can travel through time. There was just a paper about this very subject in the journal Proteomics (they only publish the finest peer-reviewed articles).

If you happen to see Snail, PhD (aka the PA Dutch wonder), treat the man to a beer! If no beer is available, give him a shot glass full of ground cumin and stand back.

Dr. Snail is not only a master of snails and snail-related scanning electron microscopy, but he also knows all there is to know about turtles. He can catch them, identify them, sex them, and put them through their paces at the Turtle Olympics. He's like Jeff Corwin but with more experience and a functioning pituitary gland. Also he, much like myself, would eat an endangered species if given the chance.

Happy birthday Dr. Snail. Drink about 15 beers for me, go!