Let me tell you about the nude beach...

A few weeks ago, I was at a conference in La Jolla, CA (basically San Diego for the geographically challenged). It was at the Salk Institute, which is basically squaw on the ocean.At least I thought it was right on the ocean when I was standing in the courtyard. There's a nice view of the Pacific, you can smell the salt in the air, and a cooling breeze blows inland. Unfortunately, when I tried to get to the water, I found a giant cliff between me and it.

I thought about just scaling down the cliff, but I'm not sure what kind of deadly snakes live there, and I didn't want to slip and land taint-first on a cactus. Instead, I started walking toward a hang glider port where other people seemed to be going. After a few false starts and dead ends, I finally found a trail that took me the few hundred feet down the cliff to the beach.Imagine having to scale that every time you want to go swimming...

Anyway, once I got down there, I was totally unprepared:

• I had no sunblock (I burn in approximately 6 seconds).
• I had no beach towel.
• I had nothing to swim in.
• I had to climb back up the cliff to get out of there.
• The beach was full of naked people.

Yep, I found myself a nude beach. Well, to be fair, Blacks Beach is "clothing optional," but I was still taken aback.

Let me tell you this - Americans should really keep their clothes on. First, 99% of the naked people were dudes...fat dudes. The 1% ladies were old, wrinkled, and had what I can only describe as "pancake tits." It was rough. Some of the old guys shaved their pubes, some seemed to afro them out. Another guy had a satchel that hung close to his knees. Apparently, gravity isn't just a problem for older women.

And another thing! For some reason, the naked guys wouldn't stay still. They just endlessly paraded up and down the beach. A particularly obese and tan specimen stopped in front of me to admire the cliffs. At least that's what he wanted me to think. I'm pretty sure that while he stood there, feet shoulder-width apart and smoking a cigarette, he was sizing me up like a snack cake behind those sunglasses.

You know, even after all of that, I was still sorta ok. I've lived with the Yeti, so I'm used to hairy displays of homoeroticism. Plus, as you all know, I'm super-tolerant of everyone else's beliefs and lifestyles...

Then the Naked Family showed up. Yep, I was treated to Naked Mom, Naked Dad, and three young Naked Sons. They frolicked in the waves and had a grand old time. I don't even know how to describe it all. It was just ridiculous. Nay, the nude beach was ridonkulous.

It still didn't stop me from going back to the beach 3 times that weekend.