The millions and millions of Dr. Yeti's fans all know my sister Goiter and how she gets pissed when I celebrate Chuck Norris's birthday and not hers. I've tried to make amends for it, but I'll never live that one down.
What some of you may not know is that the Scientist has an older sister as well. We'll call her Goiter's Sister. She's the one that recently got married and whose wedding I've never written about on here because I've been busy...and lazy.
Anyway, it turns out that Goiter's Sister is a new fan of the blog. She enjoys reading about my misery and comparing me to Michael Ian Black for some reason. She was confused for a long time about when it was me posting and when it was the Yeti, but I think I've got her straightened out.
Goiter's Sister is a little goofy. She has a history degree, but she's like a ninja IT security professional downtown now. I guess that makes sense though, because a degree in history is only slightly more useful that degrees in Art History, Communications, and/or Latin. She also has a one-eyed dog named after beer, a penchant for the baton, and a vicious bubble butt like a black chick.
From a historical perspective, Goiter's Sister used to bite her nails. I mean, she really gnawed on these things, down to nubs. Then, one day, she actually grew out her thumb nail to quite some length and wanted to show it off. She came up to me and said, "Look at my nail. Look at how long and sharp it is!"
She then proceeded to demonstrate the sharpness by raking it down my hand, opening a bloody wound, and scaring me for life. It's only a 2 cm scar, but it will be there forever.
Speaking of sharp things and Goiter's Sister, she also marveled over how sharp she got a pencil one day. She ran over and said, "Look at how sharp this pencil is!" and then jammed it into my denim-covered quadricep and snapped the tip off. I've got to say, it must have been a mighty good sharpening job she did on that pencil because it gored through my jeans, skin, and meat with the greatest of ease.
That pencil tip is still stuck in my leg.
Is graphite a carcinogen?
KILL!
A Place to Play
2 weeks ago
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9 comments:
Michael Ian Black would be proud. This is flippin' hilarious.
I will have to find a new way to scar you to ensure another blog post.
Its not a good work of Goiter's Sister that used to bite in nails.You should stop her.
Time has calmed her down, but not entirely stopped her. I think my best bet is just to move to New Jersey so I'm out of her reach.
someone stabbed me in the leg with a really sharp pencil when i was in 4th grade--the graphite is still there. kill you, pencil stabber!
here's hoping it's not gonna kill me. although i guess i could bring a lawsuit and get some sweet money if i get cancer or something...
We could start a class action suit against pencil makers. Kill you Ticonderoga No. 2!
When we were young, my older brother stabbed me in the thy with a dart, and not one of those plastic safety darts either. I think he was trying to stab a poster or a picture that just happened to be laying across my legs. We were intelligent kids, I know. It's not still in there, but the emotional scars remain.
i'm puzzled, how did you teach goiter's sister whether it was you or i posting?
She's a child prodigy; she learned on her own.
I swear, I read this post every other day and laugh every time.
When are you inviting us over for dinner???
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