Airplanes give you TB.

Chances are, you've heard about Andrew Speaker, the 31 year old attorney from Atlanta that flew around Europe, into Canada, and eventually snuck into the US despite having an extemely drug resistant TB (XDR-TB) infection. What an asshole.

This douche knew that he was infected, was told not to fly, and still went ahead and flew to Europe for his honeymoon. Then, when the CDC found out he was in Italy, they demanded that he stay there until they could safely fly him home, but the jerkass decided to fly to Canada instead so he could slink back over the border.

The worst part is that this taint-lick doesn't think he did anything wrong:

"I'm a very well-educated, successful, intelligent person," he told the paper. "This is insane to me that I have an armed guard outside my door when I've cooperated with everything other than the whole solitary-confinement-in-Italy thing."

Are you a fucking moron Andrew? You must not be well-educated if you were infected with a deadly pathogen but decided to jet around the world at the risk of innocent bystanders. The only thing you've been successful at is being a dumb shit. And you cooperate about as well as a retarded 5th grader watching monkeys jack off at the zoo.

Jesus, I probably have TB just from having to hear about this rancid tampon of a human being! It's a good thing he's an attorney because I can imagine a lot of people that he sat next to on planes are going to sue his ass for negligence. Hell, I'd like to sue the schools he went to for not giving him a proper education about diseases and why spreading them is bad.

See, this is why scientists should run the world. I'd put an end to this fuckwad's shenanigans.

Dr. Yeti still loves Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris, who art in Texas, Hallowed be thy name! Thy Roundhouse come, thy will be done, in real life and as on Television. Give us this day, our Daily Ass Kicking, and forgive us of our weakness, as we forgive those who for some reason do not worship you. And lead us not to other TV Shows, but deliver us to Walker Texas Ranger, for thine is the best, Ass-Kickinest, Roundhouse giving show in all the heavens. Achuck.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Cars have to look both ways when Chuck Norris crosses the street.

Once, Chuck Norris had sex in a RV. During the course of fearsome boning, some of Chuck Norris’s sperm got into the engine. We now know this RV as Optimus Prime.

Brokeback Mountain isn’t just a movie, it’s what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris took his own virginity, and he will damn well take yours too.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

Halloween

Dr. Snail is known for coming up with some good Halloween costumes, but this is by far the best costume I've ever seen.

I can see fish; I can't catch them.

I'm pretty sure that Dr. Snail would love Buffalo Creek in Armstrong County, PA. It doesn't have any snails, at least that I've seen, but I was fishing there 3 times this week and saw 3 snakes, many types of birds, even more insects, and several species of fish. Plus, from my experiences there last year, I know there's Virginia creeper everywhere and an assload of bats at night. They float on the water sometimes. It's weird.

Anyway, today I saw Moby Trout's pissed off uncle - Taint-fist Trout. See, they stock Buffalo Creek, and I found a BIG golden rainbow trout that has thus far eluded anglers. I can see it in the water, and it's enormous. Unfortunately, it didn't seem too hungry. I got maybe 3 strikes from it in 2 days, but nothing solid. Kill!

This thing is seriously a trophy. I need a net or some electro-fishing equipment or something.

Kill you Taint-fist Trout.

Kill you too Jared.

i have a beef

with the scientist! as most of you faitful readers know, the scientist is dating miss van gulia of dutch acclaim. back in march, i visited these fine folk while i was in da 'burgh for a conference. i felt compelled to tell you all about our time together and the shenanigans that ensued. in the process of telling this tale, i referred to the aforementioned dutch wonder as the "scientette". As you may have noticed, since then, the scientist has picked up this naming. what the fuck are you ranting about yeti, you ask? well, in his musing the scientist has bastardized my nickname and turned it into "sciencette". i will not stand for this and demand and immediate retraction of all "sciencette" references. although maybe the scientist had coined this before me, in which case i will concede. nonetheless, the dutch princess shall have only one nickname referencing her lab-riddled life. KILL YOU SCIENTIST!

Survivorman loves Dr. Yeti.

I was checking out the geographic dominance of Dr. Yeti on the interweb, and I made a startling discovery:
Who in the blue hell could be checking out the blog that far north in Canada? There can't be anything there other than Eskimos and polar bear taint, and I'm sure neither one has Comcast High Speed Internet.

There's only one hardy Canuck that it could be - Les Stroud, aka Survivorman (aka Canadian Crooked Jim). As The Teacher has recently learned and The Scientist has known for some time, Survivorman is a total badass. He strands himself in the wilderness with nothing but a multi-tool, harmonica, 3 Fritos, and a sock and has to survive for 7 days or make his way to civilization. You might have seen the cheap rip-off known as Man Vs. Wild, but Survivorman is the real deal.

Les, if you're reading this, please feel free to leave some comments or email me. I'd tell you to just give me a call, but as we all learned yesterday, Canadian cell phone service sucks tundra taint. I have some survival ideas I want to run past you, and maybe you could teach me how to catch some fish.

Another reason why Canada sucks

The Sciencette is at the American Society for Microbiology meeting in Toronto this week. For those of you born without a functional frontal lobe or the ability to stay awake in geography class, that's in Canada.

The American Society for Microbiology meeting is in Canada...

Something doesn't quite add up there. Sure, Canada is part of North America, but this isn't the NASM conference. And you might think that Toronto is basically just like a suburb of Pittsburgh. Normally, I'd at least partially agree with that (Pittsburgh would never knowingly designate the frozen tundra as a 'burb), but then I found out that there aren't any Verizon towers there.

Verizon Wireless is the porn star of cell phone carriers, but not in Canada. Apparently, they hate quality tri-mode cellular service there. I blame the French Canadians.

This sucks a donkey's taint because now the Sciencette is roaming and international (for some reason, the Canucks think America Jr. is another country), and calls probably cost like $1.00/minute. That wouldn't be bad if it was in Canadian currency, hell a bum can afford 3 cents/minute, but I'm pretty sure Verizon is smart enough to stick with American money.

What kind of asshole country doesn't have Verizon towers?

f'd up dream, again

i had another f'd up dream last night. this one was about hard-boiled egg yolks. i pulled about 30 egg yolks out of my shower drain. they weren't round like most yolks, they were oblong. it was weird. i blame bochman.

only in dreams

this afternoon i took a nap. during said nap, i had a dream. not the mlk kind, but a silly one. i was the scientist and the scientette. we were going to see the season 3 finale of "lost". it was playing on the 9th story of some theater. for some reason, it was not on tv and this was the only place you could watch it. so, us and about 20 other people were in line for the start of the show. we were on this hole windy staircase that went up floor after floor after floor. the line finally reached the door to the theater and we all sat down to wait until the doors opened. a list was passed around asking each group how many tickets they needed. the scientette began saying something all womany and shit so the scientist gave her an earful back about how he's sick of female lib bullshit and other typical scientist rants. it was an awkward moment for me, but i laughed inwardly.

Somebody is screwed.

Many moons ago, I wrote about The Rule of 3. The Rule of Three basically states that stuff comes in 3's (der). It might also have something to do with witchcraft or the Wiccan religion, but I don't give two shits because religion enrages me.

Anyway, Jerry Falwell and Yolanda King both died this week. Who's going to complete the trifecta? The Rule of 3 usually has some kind of pattern (like the John thing, see above link), so let's examine the situation here. Jerry was a televangelist (read: fucktard) and Yolanda was a (poor) motivational speaker - either way, they're loudmouths trying to sway people to their opinion. They're both from the south. Umm...they were both overweight and died of heart conditions too, I think.

So I guess the obvious third person that's going to die soon is either going to also be an out-of-shape assbag from the south or the polar opposite, i.e. Bill/Hillary Clinton or the dude that played Geoffrey on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

You've been warned.

Jerry Falwell died (Larry Flynt lives).

You can thank T-Shirt Hell for this little ditty. "Moral" Majority, eat my taint.

Yolanda King died.

I've noticed recently that anytime I post something about a "serious" topic, no one leaves comments. I'm not sure if it's because you don't want to be associated with limeys, Native American issues, and shootings at Virginia Tech, or if you just don't give a damn.

I don't care two squirts of monkey piss either way, so I'm going to blog about another potentially "serious" topic: the death of Yolanda King.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Yolanda King is Paris Hilton's role model. She's arguably one of the first people that's paradoxically famous for being famous. The only reason anyone cares about her is because she's Martin Luther King Jr.'s daughter. You can disagree with that if you want, but the headlines today said "Daughter of Martin Luther King Jr. Dies," not "Yolanda King Dies."

Your average Caucasian (i.e. whitey or cracker) probably doesn't even know who Yolanda is/was. According to the news story I linked to above, she "pursued her father's dream of racial harmony through drama and motivational speaking..." Drama and motivational speaking, huh? What the shit!?! I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but it doesn't sound as impressive as getting beaten, mauled by police dogs, or locked up like the usual protester. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fan of MLK Jr. (he's a plagiarist) , but at least he actually got the ball rolling on something.

Anywho, I don't know about these drama shenanigans, but I do have first hand experience of her public speaking capabilities. See, she gave the commencement speech at Juniata College in 2005.

It was the worst graduation speech I've ever heard.

I've never taken a public speaking class or anything like that, but I've always heard that you're supposed to tailor your speeches to your target audience. When I give research talks to the Bio Department, I hit them with all the juicy science details. When I was a teaching assistant, I cut back on the gorey details so as not to assault their frontal lobes. If I was giving a commencement speech to a bunch of white kids in Central Pennsylvania, I'd try to talk about something they cared about.

Yolanda didn't do that. She went on a wild tirade that touched on the 3 things that Matt Bochman could care less about: religion, politics, and all manner of race-baiting stuff (not necessarily in that order).

Religion pisses me off and has caused nothing but problems worldwide for thousands of years; don't get me started. The American political system is broken. Don't blame it on the Republicans or the Democrats. It's everyone's fault, and they have a vested interest in keeping it as corrupt as it is. And with the exception of the 10 Asian exchange students that Juniata gets every year, I doubt many people in that white, white audience had problems with racial profiling or whatever.

I pleased to note that after Yolanda's too long, mis-aimed, repetitious speech, no one moved. The audience just sat there like they'd seen a snuff film. Finally, some ass-neck on the Bachelor of Arts side of the room started clapping, but it wasn't as rousing as the standing O that the class president (a rugby player) received after his speech just prior Yolanda's.

At least Paris Hilton made a sex tape.

Three Sheets to the Wind

"The term "three sheets to the wind", meaning "staggering drunk", refers to a ship whose sheets have come loose, causing the sails to flap uncontrolled and the ship to meander at the mercy of the elements." - Wikipedia

I was reading earlier and came across the expression, "three sheets to the wind". A curiosity in me rose to the surface. Thanks to Wikipedia, I, and you, now know the origin of this saying. To illustrate, I will use it in a sentence.

Matty Bochman came back from Stiffler's one night claiming that he drank "no less than 384 beeeeers". It is safe to say that he was three sheets to the wind.

Thank you Wikipedia.

hippies are dead

"what," you ask? hippies are dead? yes. hippies are dead. how do i know this? how can i make such a proclomation? i'll tell you. i'll tell you real good. beardo got a job. there. see? hippies are dead. so, mosey on over to beardo's blog and congratulate and mourn him at the same time.

in other news, i fucking hate rudy gulliani(sp?). why? i'll tell you. on NPR this morning the candidates listed things about them you might not know.

hilary: good at crossword puzzles
barack: can beat you at poker
mccain: can grill like nobody's bidness
romney: a good singer
gulliani: he's a good listener.

what an asshole! way to pander to the voters rudy. in my book, there is only one rudy and he played foosball at notre dame. please people, don't take gulliani seriously. he's an ass.

i'm off my soapbox.

Know the toe.

You can thank Dr. Snail for this one.

Learn to speak English.

You know how English people sometimes pronounce a terminal "a" as an "er" sound? There used to be a female Power Ranger that was British or Australian or some shit. She always called Rita Repulsa "Rit-er."

What's wrong with these limeys? I thought they were supposed to talk good English n'at.

How would they pronounce "Laura?" Would it be something like "Lerurer?"

The prophecy came true.

Years ago, fearful mothers paid a small fortune to a band of gypsies to predict the coming of The One. You see, The One was the key figure from an ancient Native American prophecy about a man that would be born, come of age in the south, and go on a de-virginizing campaign the likes of which has never been seen. No female, no matter how young, old, tall, short, thin, or stout would be safe. The gypsies looked into their crystal balls and all agreed that The One would be born on May 9th...

Oh yeah, happy birthday Medlin!

Git 'r done.

china buffets

i was listening to NPR as i got ready for work this morning. they were doing a segment on the chinese and how they get jobs and move about the country to work in delicious chinese restaurants. according to the report, there are more than 40,000 chinese restaurants in america. this is more than the number of mcdonald's and taco hells combined. the report went on to say how the workers usually put in six 12-14 hour days a week and don't get paid that much. whatever!!! we have a chinese restuarant on every corner in america!! makes you proud to live in this country.

dirty old man

http://services.juniata.edu/news/index.html?SHOWARTICLE+2743

remember when he softly rested his head on stiffler's bossom? too bad we never got to go to his top secret bar.

Dear Native Americans, either shut up or start paying taxes.

I wrote an email to the Bio Department today about how much I hate political shit, but it wasn't enough to purge that particular shenanigan from my system. Let's see if this helps...

I'm sure you've all heard about a school or sports franchise having to change it's team or mascot from something involving Native Americans (think Indians, Braves, Warriors, Seminoles, Redskins, Whiskey Drinkin' Injuns, etc) to something deemed less offensive. Whoever starts the protests and bitching that leads to these changes can lick my Caucasian taint. Who cares?

Most of the mascots and whatnot aren't there being racially offensive or acting like tards. These figures were chosen because they were badass. It's not like you've got a bunch of teams called "Me Smoke'um Peacepipe" or something blatantly stereotypical like that. Hell, the average young American probably isn't even familiar with Injun stereotypes anymore unless their old man watched a lot of John Wayne movies.

At Juniata College, we used to be the Juniata Indians, not the Juniata Eagles. But then some numb-fuck came along and ruined it. I hear that a bunch of old school alumni severed ties with Juniata and stopped donating money when this happened. Good! Apparently the school would rather give their benefactors the cold shoulder than tell some cry baby hippies to go lick yeti taint.

What ever happened to America being a democracy? We're supposed to have majority rule up in this piece, but it seems like minorities carry too much weight these days. And I'm not just talking about racial or ethnic minorities. If anything offends any small group of people they seem to be able to get it banned.

What the cock ass fuck!?! Why can't we vote on stuff like this? If everyone got their say on these disputes (i.e. students and alumni at a school, or all the citizens for a city's team) then none of this shit would carry any weight. The overwhelming majority of people would vote to keep it the same, and the minority could go fist their taints.

Hey, guess what? Your old team name offended 6 people, well now your new team name offends at least one guy, me. Change it back.

I'm of partial Scandinavian descent, and I want the Minnesota Vikings to change their name to something that doesn't demean my heritage.

My dad's a steelworker; the Steelers better change their name to something that doesn't involve steel.

Hot weather pisses me off. The Miami Heat better watch their asses!

Do you see how riptarded this all is? These are teams involved in games...GAMES! This isn't a matter of vital national security. No one is making you sit in the back of a bus, drink from a separate fountain, or take the O.C. off the air. For god's sake, find something better to do. Hell, start a blog. I might even read that shit and leave you a creative comment.

I like dogs.

University of Pennsylvania, your president is some kind of asshole.

There are 8 schools in the Ivy League, and by July 1st, half of them (Brown, Harvard, Penn, and Princeton) will have a female president. I guess congratulations are in order...even though I'm not sure the president of a school actually does anything worthwhile. Still, it's all that girl power shit and whatnot.

You'd think that these chicks, or "bitches" as they prefer to be called, would have to be really smart to helm an Ivy League school, and for the most part, you'd be right. Shirley Tilghman, the Princeton Prez, is a biology professor (uh YEAH!) and researcher. She said the other day that she

...needed determination to advance in science, but also blinders to the obstacles she faced.

"There may be signals out there that tell me I can't do this, but I'm not going to recognize them," she said. "Adrenaline is a great hormone."

To this, Penn President Amy Gutmann tried to be humorous by quipping, "so are chocolate and Diet Coke."

Take a minute to re-read that last pile of horse shit and get ready to kick Penn out of the Ivy League.

Chocolate and Diet Coke aren't hormones you nappy headed ho. What the shit is wrong with you? Did you eat paint chips as a child or were you a theatre major? If people are going to make fun of everything President Bush says, then someone should've told President Gutmann to keep her dumb ass comments to herself.

I'm calling on all of Dr. Yeti's fans at the University of Pennsylvania to secretly inject hormones into Gutmann's chocolate and Diet Coke until she stops talking like she's got taint fur for brains. I don't care what kind of hormones you use, but I do recommend getting some human growth hormone from Sly Stallone or maybe a nice batch of horse testosterone.

Eternal question

Would you rather have 1 beer at lunch or 6 beers for lunch?

I think we all know where I stand on this issue.

The Beardo Blog

I figured I'd do a little advertising for another blogging Juniata alum, so if you're interested in the crossroads of evolution and psychology, you should check out Beardo's Blog. For the more observant readers, you'll see a permanent link to the right.

Beardo is the nickname given to John Terrizzi because he had a beard. I know, that's freakin' ridiculously creative. I can only hope that someday I'll be able to come up with amazing nicknames like that.

Anyway, give it a look, leave some love, and maybe even learn a little.

Weekend fishing review

No one caught a damn fish...again!

I'm getting a little tired of this. I need to catch a fish, any fish. I'd even settle for one to nibble at my line a little, give me the fish finger, and then swim away.

Steve "The Biophysicist" came the closest to catching a fish - he actually saw it - but it threw his fly before he could reel it in.

Kudos to The Sciencette and Laura "The Phagette" for getting fish interested enough to steal their night crawlers.

I'm going to try Loyalhanna Dam this weekend. If I don't catch a fish, I may or may not kill everyone in America.

That is all.

Put on your riddle shoes.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the Yeti's recent riddle session, so I thought you might also like to take a crack at the riddles containing the answer to the upcoming Free Beer Friday theme:

1. Who was MacGeorge Bundy and what did he have in common with Paul Wolfowitz?

2. David Halberstam, who was killed in an auto accident last week, wrote a book called "The Best and the Brightest." What was it about?

3. What is the indefinite integral of [(1/cabin)dcabin] and who published this equation?

4. What was the play "MacBird" about? (Hint: It's not Larry.)

5. Who said "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing"?

6. Who said "Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?"

7. Who said "I ain't got no quarrel with them" ? What were the consequences?

These come courtesy of Dr. Lew Jacobson, the benefactor of the BASH.

Monkey pubes instead of yeti taint

I had a hilarious dream last night that for once didn't involve either yeti taint or yeti nipple. No, I was somni-musing about monkey pubes.

You know how monkeys are hairy all over? What if their armpits and crotches didn't get hairy until they went through monkey puberty? Yeah, that was the dream. Take a minute and picture that in your head. There's a young monkey in a tree, he's covered in fur except for his bikini-zone. His little monkey wang is just flapping in the breeze.

And then BAM! An older monkey whips a banana at his head, knocks him out of the tree, and then the old surly monkey rubs his giant afro-pube-bush on the unsuspecting young monkey!

Dude, what's wrong with me?

Immigration protests planned nationwide

I happened upon this little news item today on the internets. It's basically about - as the title implies - immigrants protesting. Not being an immigrant, I don't plan to protest, nor did I know anything about last year's May 1st shenanigans.

What really caught my eye was the first paragraph:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Demonstrators demanding a path to citizenship for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants hope that nationwide marches will spur Congress to act before the looming presidential primaries take over the political landscape.

Umm, there is a path to citizenship. Get your ass a green card and apply for citizenship legally.

I know, I know, that sounds like crazy talk, but it actually works. See, there are laws, rules, and regulations for this kind of thing. You enter the country legally, spend a defined amount of time here being a productive member of society, fill out some damn paperwork, and take a test.

It's really simple:

You can become a citizen if you meet the following requirements:

• you have been a legal permanent resident for five years, or three years if you are married to a U.S. citizen
• you have lived in the U.S. for at least 2-1/2 years (50%) of the five year period, or 1-1/2 years (50%) if you are married to a citizen
• you have lived for more than three months in the state where you apply for citizenship
• you are 18 years or older
• you have good moral character

Have I blown your mind yet? Does any of that seem too hard? You don't have to swim across a frickin' river, take a homemade raft across an ocean, wander through the desert, or even smuggle yourself in a cargo container.

Do illegal immigrants even have the right to have peaceful protests? I thought that shit was reserved for actual citizens.