Full House was the worst show ever.

In honor of Jared’s amazing Top 12 Mustache list, I was going to come up with a top 10 list of my own. During the course of a conversation with the yeti, I learned that he’s got a killer list waiting in the wings. So, instead of stealing anymore of his thunder and catching yet another ride on his ample coattails, I’m going in a different direction.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to the newest member of the Dr. Yeti blog post family: Where Are They Now?

The inaugural post was going to be about some missing yet amazing Juniatians, but then I got distracted and couldn’t remember a bunch of stuff. Instead, I figured I’d catch everyone up on the cast of Full House, the worst show there ever was.

Danny Tanner Do you remember this dick-cheese(burger)? He was briefly a sportscaster, then a morning show host, but after years of putting up with everyone in San Francisco hating him, the network finally dropped his narrow ass. These days, he sucks dick for coke.

Uncle Joey

As you can see Uncle Joey always was and always will be a douche. According to Wikipedia, Uncle Joey, "was alleged to be Alanis Morissette's first lover (They met at a hockey game.) and is widely suspected to be the subject of her bitter song "You Oughta Know," though neither party will confirm this." As neither party confirmed the rumor, it's obviously false. Also, he never banged Tawny Kitaen on America's Funniest People. These days, he sucks Danny Tanner's dick for fun.

Uncle JesseNice mullet cock-neck. After a brief tour through Japan with his crappy band, Uncle Hermes divorced his asstank wife, headbutted his d-bag twin boys, and did the only cool thing that's ever happened in his life - married Rebecca Romijn. Eventually, the drugs he slipped her wore off and she dropped his ass for the fat kid from Stand By Me. You can now find Uncle Jesse in alleys across the nation rubbing masturbatory scabs into his penis.

The girlsWhere should I even start? Well, let's go with the wreck in the middle. She used to be DJ Tanner, but then she married some hockey player and now rents her head out to blind hairdressers for practice.

On the extreme outsides of the picture, we find Michelle Tanner. She was obviously hit in the face with a sock full of nickels and then cloned. But somewhere amid the cloning procedure, they lost a fragment of her DNA and replaced it with nucleotide sequences from a fish (possibly a carp). Despite being hideous and annoying, the Michelles had a deal to promote milk in the "Got Milk?" ads, but they were dropped after a scandal involving eating disorders. Milk, it does a body anorexic!

Last but not least, we have Stephanie Tanner. She's the semen stain that drove a car into the house because she thought "R" meant "really fast" instead of reverse. How she survived to adulthood with an IQ of 37 is still a mystery. But survive she did, and then she married a cop. Oh yeah, AND THEN SHE GOT ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METH! Oh sweet, sweet fate, you do love me. I guess she kicked the habit and hosts Pants Off Dance Off now, but that sucks ass. No one wants to watch people dance while stripping knowing that there's zero chance of nudity. I'd rather watch her do meth.

Hmm, this post didn't quite go as I wanted. I blame Jared.