"He called the shit poop."

I’ve been getting a lot of requests (mostly from Beckerooni) to write a post about shitting. Specifically, shitting ones pants. I’m not sure where to start since there’s such a wealth of information and stories that I could share. I think the fairest thing would be to give you a list as it comes to me.

- I once ate a lot of shrimp in Baker and suffered gastrointestinal consequences for it later. Bob Krause likened this to me shitting out a small Chinese fortress.

- Legend has it that Dr. Snail drops a deuce only once or twice a year. Incidentally, he only urinates once a month too. You see, he’s built for desert survival; his body retains everything for as long as possible to extract all of the nutrients.

- I used to get a lot of free stuff from the internet. Such items included t-shirts, keyboards, pantyhose, and a product called Grandma’s Herbal Super Lax. Jared, Shannon, and I convinced the Krauser that the laxatives were really weight loss pills and that he should take one before and after every meal. In a 12 hour span, he took 7 of them and suffered no consequences. The next morning, he went to a class that he shared with Jared and told everyone that he just shit out a pillow. After the yeti’s gales of laughter ceased, he told Bob of our devious machinations, and the poor PA Dutchman ran for the nearest bathroom to defecate what he later described as aliens. When I got home from class on this warm spring day, Bob was huddled under a blanket, shivering with a cold sweat, and cursing my name.

- Before TV was invented, my uncle and his friends were bored all day long. They did things like play with guns and steal dynamite. They also threw rotten tomatoes at cars. Once the novelty of that wore off, one of them decided to drop a squat on a large cabbage leaf and throw it at a car… It hit a police car squaw in the windshield. My uncle and his friends ended up washing police cars every Saturday for 10 weeks. My grandfather loved it.

- I’m lactose intolerant, but I like stuff with lactose in it. During the summer of 2002, I ate some kind of dairy product and then went to the bar to assault my liver. This potent combination of activities resulted in my hurrying home to shit myself senseless to the point that I was dry heaving out of my asshole. Word.

- A young Bob Krause and a friend from Turkey Creek decided to see who could hold their bowels the longest. Bob took the bet seriously and didn’t crap all day, his friend thought it was a joke and went home to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. After several days of this, little Bobby couldn’t take it anymore. He told his mom he was staying home from school, marched into the bathroom, and the showdown began. He strained. He groaned. He cried. And then he finally shat out a small, jagged, plutonium-dense turd (and a pint of blood).

- Darren Moser was at NCUR drinking with wild abandon. He tried to fart and soiled himself. Mr. Moser calmly walked to the bathroom, threw his underwear away, reentered the bar, and proclaimed, “Paula Martin, we need to do shots because I just shit my pants!”

You know, I guess I have a lot of stories involving scat. I’ll continue this tomorrow!