What's in a name, part 4

The incestuous twins­ – The incestuous twins were a couple that looked like they were brother and sister…but that’s not even quite right. Perhaps incest isn’t the right word because they really looked like male and female versions of the same person. The girl was shorter with lighter hair, but they had they exact same face. Chances are, it was a cloning experiment gone horribly wrong.

The hamburger twins­ ­– Oh man, this was a set of crazies. They stuck to one another like glue (or like hamburger buns sticking together). The male twin would steer the female twin around the cafeteria. Like, literally walk behind her and guide her by the elbows. They also got all of their food together, whether they both wanted stuff in a particular food line or not. I think Amy Skibble named them.

Tonto­­ – This is yet another person that Jared and I lived across the hall from (Are you catching onto the pattern of people living near us receiving nicknames yet?). Krause may be the one to credit for this nickname, and I guess it’s because Kodie Hockenberry reminded the Krauser of an Indian. Tonto’s “famous” for gutting a deer outside of North and butchering it in the kitchen. He also hung a wild turkey from the ceiling of his dorm room and plucked it there. Sounds like an Injun to me.

Toto – Kevin Flagg was my freshman roommate. He was from Kansas, and because everyone at Juniata is really creative, they gave him the unique nickname of Toto. Several variations of the name would pop up from time to time, including Totes and Scroto. As a pro-wrestling fan, I imagined that Toto was a badass wrestler with a finishing maneuver called “The Blizzard of Oz.” For anyone wondering, it was a tornado DDT from the top rope.

Sock full of nickels – Oh sweet Jesus. Sock full of nickels girl was a volleyball player. She was an ugly volleyball player. It looked like she took a shotgun blast to the face, had her head lit on fire, and had the flames beaten out with a sock full of nickels. That’s all I have to say about that.

Leslie Poopanero – To be honest, I don’t really know a lot about this girl, but I do know that she always looked bitchy. Well, one fine April day at Pig Roast, she got blind drunk and stumbled into the woods to pee. She drops her pants and squats to relieve herself, and in the process, also unknowingly shits. At some point during the procedure, her feet slip, and she lands squaw in her own feces. Thinking it’s mud, she wipes her shit-covered hands off on her shirt and pants and stumbles back to the crowd stating that, “it smells like honey.” Understandably, her friends refuse to take her home, and she has to ride the drunk bus back to Juniata covered in excrement.

Crooked Jim – Crooked is a hell of a guy…he just has a candy cane-shaped penis. Well, at least that’s what one would assume when first hearing Jim’s nickname. I think it all came about when his freshman roommate Aaron Amick thought he was lying about something and called him crooked in that context. Either way, Crooked Jim looks a little like Les Stroud (aka Survivorman) but not nearly as Canadian. Legend has it that he also has old leathery balls full of sawdust. If he ever gave you the Arabian sunglasses, your eyeballs would immediately be desiccated by osmosis into his old, old balls.

Floor whores – Did you ever wish that you had an STD? Several STDs? Some completely new and uncharacterized versions of crotch rot? Well, pay these “ladies” a visit. Of course, if you lived in North a few years back, you didn’t have to go anywhere; they would come to you. The Floor Whores were a roving duo of ladies that were looking for some action. If there was a sighting on North lawn or on a different floor, a verbal alarm was sounded, and our doors were locked tight. If you had any type of standards, which surprisingly Jared and I do, you didn’t want anything to do with them.

Dr. Johnny Blacktop – This is what Jared and I called Dr. John Matter. See, my friend Vinny T.’s dad own a concrete/paving business, and Vince used to refer to himself as Dr. Johnny Blacktop (or Blacktop M.D.) in high school. I think it was his porn name. Anyway, I co-opted it for Matter, and it stuck with the Yeti and me.

G.O.D. – Good Old Duane Stroman was the man in the Sociology Department. He’s approximately older than the universe and still a badass. Jared and I used to take his classes, where we’d sit in the back passing notes and giggling. This was tolerated by G.O.D. because Jared’s a sociology genius, I could hold my own in class discussions and on tests, and we all liked Yuengling. Stro would tell dirty jokes during class and give us a little smile. He also used those old school dittos. Remember that shit from elementary school? They were in that purple/blue ink, and you had to wonder if they came from a Gutenberg printing press. Oh, and he has a hot young wife. He’s not Jared’s idol for nothing.