By all accounts, I’m a skinny guy. Thin. Gangly. Anti-fat. Weighing in at 167 lbs and being about 6’3” tall, I look roughly like an albino Ethiopian. A guy of my height should clock in at damn near 200 lbs to be considered healthy. What can I say? I just can’t gain weight. I’ve exercised, lifted weights, etc., but I have no propensity for accumulating muscle mass. It’s not like I watch what I eat either. I’ve got an appetite like a post-coital yeti. I often eat a cold dinner while I cook my hot one and follow that up with several snacks. True, I don’t eat breakfast, but when I’m not doing science, I’m shoveling food down my gullet. My metabolism just laughs and burns that shit up though.
I know what the ladies and fat people are saying, “Boo hoo, dick!” Sure, there are lots of people that want to loose weight, but I can’t be the only one that wants to gain some. I’m not saying I want to be obese; I’d just like to fill out my frame a little. If I could get rid of the chicken legs and beef up my little girly wrists, I’d be happy.
So, that’s my New Year’s resolution, to get fat. When I was a runner in high school, I weighed an unchangeable 158 lbs, but I was also bigger because it was mostly lean muscle. If I start working out again, I should be able to get some muscle back. Now, the problem here is that if I start exercising regularly, it’ll make me lose weight. To combat this, I’m just going to eat 4 times as much as I do now.
Does that sound reasonable? It’s going to cost a lot of money to buy and eat that much food, but here’s the beautiful thing. When you’re a tall, skinny, single guy like me, women of all kinds (Italian grandmothers, MILFs, prostitutes, etc.) love to feed you. They see me and give me food. It’s a great system. Also, my grandmother is moving into an apartment in February, so I called dibs on all of the meat in her freezer. There’s gotta be a half of a cow in there. If eating my weight in beef doesn’t make me gain a few pounds here and there, I’ll officially admit that I’m not only mentally irregular (as Rocky Balboa would say) but also a straight up mutant.
A Place to Play
2 weeks ago