Ribbed for her pleasure

By all accounts, I’m a skinny guy.  Thin.  Gangly.  Anti-fat.  Weighing in at 167 lbs and being about 6’3” tall, I look roughly like an albino Ethiopian.  A guy of my height should clock in at damn near 200 lbs to be considered healthy.  What can I say?  I just can’t gain weight.  I’ve exercised, lifted weights, etc., but I have no propensity for accumulating muscle mass.  It’s not like I watch what I eat either.  I’ve got an appetite like a post-coital yeti.  I often eat a cold dinner while I cook my hot one and follow that up with several snacks.  True, I don’t eat breakfast, but when I’m not doing science, I’m shoveling food down my gullet.  My metabolism just laughs and burns that shit up though.

I know what the ladies and fat people are saying, “Boo hoo, dick!”  Sure, there are lots of people that want to loose weight, but I can’t be the only one that wants to gain some.  I’m not saying I want to be obese; I’d just like to fill out my frame a little.  If I could get rid of the chicken legs and beef up my little girly wrists, I’d be happy.

So, that’s my New Year’s resolution, to get fat.  When I was a runner in high school, I weighed an unchangeable 158 lbs, but I was also bigger because it was mostly lean muscle.  If I start working out again, I should be able to get some muscle back.  Now, the problem here is that if I start exercising regularly, it’ll make me lose weight.  To combat this, I’m just going to eat 4 times as much as I do now.  

Does that sound reasonable?  It’s going to cost a lot of money to buy and eat that much food, but here’s the beautiful thing.  When you’re a tall, skinny, single guy like me, women of all kinds (Italian grandmothers, MILFs, prostitutes, etc.) love to feed you.  They see me and give me food.  It’s a great system.  Also, my grandmother is moving into an apartment in February, so I called dibs on all of the meat in her freezer.  There’s gotta be a half of a cow in there.  If eating my weight in beef doesn’t make me gain a few pounds here and there, I’ll officially admit that I’m not only mentally irregular (as Rocky Balboa would say) but also a straight up mutant.