Happy birthday, happy apartment, happy Bochman

Warning: My memory sucks ass.  My brain is clogged with malted barley, hops, and several known carcinogens that I use in the lab.  What you read below is as close to the truth as I can get it.  If you see a glaring mistake, let me know.

On Friday, the Yeti and I made our trip to the Far East, i.e. Phoenixville, PA.  MapQuest predicted a 4.5 hr trip from Squirrel Hill.  We made it in 3 hours from Sommerset.  I guess maybe that’s a little fast, but hey, when you drive an American car, not only are you sticking it to the Japanese companies that destroyed the U.S. steel industry, but…  Ok, I’m not really sure where that was going.  Sometimes I get fired up and lose my train of thought.

Anyway, Jared and I rolled up to 209 Main Street at about 5:30 and proceeded to get a little Becky lovin’ in the form of “hugs are for man-friends” with a Becky fulcrum in the middle (“hugs are for blog-friends” perhaps?).  After that historical event, Jared and I limboed and contorted our way into Becky’s clown car and went to pick up Jess the sparkle pony socialite at the train station.  

With the all the Super Friends together once again (and really for only the second time ever), we made a quick stop at the Sheetz wannabe called Wawa for necessities (read: cigarettes and lighter) and somehow got lost in the Bermuda Triangle.  There was no way out of this parking lot.  Becky went left, we couldn’t turn right.  Becky tried the right exit, we couldn’t turn left.  Eventually, we went behind the Wawa to try to circle back and take the Roman Army on its flank, but we drove into a bottomless pit of a pothole that any Pittsburgher could be proud of.  The fact that we didn’t get trapped in it and have to live off of three corn chips and a ground squirrel like Survivorman in the Utah canyon land is just one of the weekend’s many miracles.

Dire situation narrowly averted, Becky pimped out one of the local restaurants to us.  We ate at The Boathouse, a haven of delicious beers and equally delicious food.  Being near the Victory Brewery, Jared had himself the freshest Hop Devil imaginable, and Jess had the fashion school equivalent, a Captain & Coke.  In a fit of lunacy, Becky and I opted for water (I know, I know…I’ll never not drink again.  I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you.  Sometimes you just need to wait to start drinking).  Anywho, the drinkers ordered wraps, and the soberites went the hardier route and got fish & chips and a Super Burger, respectively.  By all accounts, the food was excellent – if you’re ever on the wrong side of the state, check it out.

Back at Casa de Becky, Jess took the tour of the apartment, while Jared and I broke out the Rebel Yell to commence really drinking for the evening.  And we threw a heck of a drunk on.  The ladies supplied tuneage via their iPods and a nifty little speaker dock.  The vodka flowed like whiskey, the whiskey flowed like beer, the beer flowed like…um…wine I guess, and the homebrew flowed like Matt Bochman made it and was trying to force everyone to try it.  Certain dosages of percoset may also have been involved.  We decided to be classy and play bridge too.

When did sleep set in that night? My guess is somewhere between 2 and 4 AM.  In any event, Becky retired to her room, Jess slept on the lounger thing like a little gopher, and the Scientist & Yeti shared the sleeper sofa.  Life returned slowly to our corpses at about 11, but we weren’t all showered and functional until 2:30.  We had a killer brunch at the Black Lab Bistro and then got to the serious work at hand – shopping:

1. Walmart = curtains, candles, random party supplies


2. Liquor store = wine and champagne


3. Beer distributor = Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA and Miller High Life


4. Grocery store = food (duh)

While Becky and I hit up the last two stores, Jared and Jess decorated and cleaned.  The curtains were hung, the candles were lit, the Rebel Yell was poured.  Jared and I tried to open the wine, but it’s pretty hard without a corkscrew.  We used a power drill to drive a drywall screw into the cork and pliers in an attempt to pull out the whole works, but we were defeated.  Eventually, the ladies stabbed the cork down with a knife.  

Becky, remind me to buy you a corkscrew.

I wore my new suit for the first time, Jared was in mountain formal, and the ladies were stunners in their little black dresses.  As the guests started to arrive, I started to drink like a fiend – you know, the normal – and this is where things get a little hazy.  I do remember that Jess had some sort of lip gloss that was like topical botox or something.  You put it on, and it burned.  Or in my case, you kiss the wearer and get a little residual burn yourself (girls have a lot of weird stuff).  At some point, we also decided to brave the freezing weather and walk to Becky’s favorite local bar.  I was at the point where I’m drunk and loving everything.  I think Jared was getting a little tired and surly.  A dry stout helped us both out.

Eventually, we went back to Becky’s, the party broke up, and the Super Friends once again headed towards slumber.  We were all pretty much passed out on the sleeper sofa, but Becky meandered back to her room, the Yeti rolled over for his nightly snore, and I snuggled up to Jess.  Being the dumbass jerk that I am, I basically passed out while making out with the sparkle princess.  There’s a reason that Jess is the one that got away; I’m a fucking retard.

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Sunday didn’t bring many surprises.  We woke up at 10, spent a groggy morning together, and took a quick tour of Center City on the way to the train station for Jess.  We listened to some of the Steelers game, giving Jared 6 simultaneous seizures, then went back to Becky’s for the rest of the game.  If our weekend was crazy, that game was even crazier.  Nevertheless, the Yeti and I saddled up, wagons west, and made the long trip home.  I got in at 9:15, talked to Mala for a little, and passed out with delusions of grandeur dancing in my head.

Jess and Becky are planning to visit sometime next month.  I can only imagine what will happen…