Uniform

Today, I wore a maroon shirt and jeans. So did Julia, and so did Christy. I think Molly and Pallavi did too, but I’ll leave them out of this debacle. We didn’t plan it, it just sort of happened. On Friday, Julia and Christy were both in my room, so I blame them. I put negative 3% effort into what I wear. Basically, if it’s at the front of the rack or on top of the pile, it’s being worn that day. I figure that they arranged my clothes in such a way that this shirt and pair of jeans were on deck for Monday. I know, I know, you think I’m paranoid, but you don’t understand my life. I have to be on alert around these women all the time. If I drop my guard for one second…BAM!...I could be attacked by ninja pirates that they hired to assassinate me.

I need to go on a vacation. I need to abduct Jared and drive him to Phoenixville. He and I need to distribute homebrew to the natives. He and I need to destroy the city of Philadelphia, absolutely level it, and then reconstruct a proper city in its place which we’ll call Pittsburgh Jr. This city will feature a University of Pittsburgh campus that will enroll me in its Biological Sciences program, and include a Gerontology program for the yeti. It will need to be stocked with socialites and the things that socialites find pleasing. Squirrel Hill Jr. will also need to be properly Jewed out, or up, or whatever way they do it. Hanukkah bushes all around!

When we reconstruct the city, we’re still going to include hills. None of this making it flat and laying it out on a grid shit. That would make it like Cleveland Jr. Nobody wants that. Ohio is the Canada of Pennsylvania for Christ sake. Think about it. That makes New Jersey PA’s Mexico, and New York is our Atlantic Ocean; it’s perfect.

What does that make West Virginia? A bunch of sheep fuckers.